It ends.

With the end of today comes the end of a long, very defining chapter in my life.

It started with trauma, weeks after I had buried my father and he wouldn't be alone. His mother and brother followed him, as did my mom's mom. I've met new people, made new friends, seen new places, created a life for myself that is all my own. Three children have come out of my body. Three beautiful, perfectly formed little babies. My heart has broken and mended itself again and again. I have learned. I have grown. Fears have been conquered. Dreams have come true and dreams have been shattered, laid to rest forever.

The sun sets tonight and I say 'Goodbye' to my twenties. Ten years of life doesn't seem like so much, until you really think about all that has happened in that time. Ten years can be forever. Ten years can be a lifetime.

Ten years ago, I was a wholly different person. No kids. No responsibilities. I had no idea the road I was heading down. I couldn't see what the future held; none of us really can, I don't think. I was lost in a fog of grief, struggling to find something, anything, to hold on to, to cling to, to give me a reason to want to live.

Then I had Him. The wound my father's death gave me wasn't healed but the day Phoenix was born, I found life again. This tiny, wriggling little being had grown inside me, been made by me but I knew he was a gift. I made a promise to always be the best I could be for him, to do the best by him I could and to always be there for him, no matter what.

I took on new responsibilities, got a real job, for a little while; I grew confident and learn to love myself. I made choices and I made mistakes. I gave up on working to stay at home and made another one of those three beautiful boys. I uprooted our growing family and said goodbye to the city that had raised me, said goodbye to 26 years of memories and the friends I'd made. I grew even more and discovered you never stop learning about yourself when you are honest with yourself.

I made a home in a new city, in a new state. I became more comfortable with myself, admitted I had faults (and still do) and looked for solutions to my problems. I was finally able to get Phoenix the help he desperately needed and as a reward, I've watched him flourish & blossom. Paxton has grown into a wonder-filled, curious little boy and I am cherishing every second of #3's babyhood. Korben is seven months old and even more energetic than Paxton was at this age; he fits into the family as if he was always here & you know, I'm inclined to think he may have been.

I know there is a lot more to come but I'm sad to see this part of my life end, sort of anyways. The next ten years will hold some of the same: growth, love and learning; there will be more heartache and stresses to overcome. I will see these boys grow into young men and I'm sure I will "earn" many more gray hairs.

As I close this chapter, I know I've already started the next & this one won't really end with the setting sun. It just continues, just as life continues.

I will keep being me, just an older, wiser me.

Life Changer

Seven years ago. Today. Man, what a day.

It changed my life in so many ways. So, so many ways.

After weeks of strict bed-rest, high blood pressure and pregnancy-induced hypertension, we were going to have a baby.

I was excited, nervous, overwhelmed, scared and ready. My pregnancy with Phoenix was anything but pleasant, with morning sickness all day throughout most of the pregnancy and two hospitalizations for dehydration from the morning sickness. I wanted my body back but more than anything, I was ready to meet my son.

Besides the PIH, the morning sickness and dehydration, my pregnancy was rough in other ways. Jay and I had our first date about 3 weeks before we got pregnant and I don't think I need to say, it was a surprise when we found out we were expecting. Things were crazy. Lots of fighting. Lots of anger and resentment. I wasn't sure "we" would make it and I'm being totally candid when I say that.

It was rough and I was scared. I didn't know what my future held; I didn't know where my choices would take me or the consequences they would have. I knew I was in love, though, with this tiny little being growing in my body. I knew that before I ever saw him & I knew that he would change my life.

I didn't know then how difficult his labor was, which is probably great. I didn't know to be even more scared than I already was. They had to test the amniotic fluid before letting me go into hard labor because they weren't sure if his lungs were fully developed. They got an oxygen cart ready and called NICU.

I was oblivious. Blissfully oblivious, wrapped in a cocoon of fuzziness brought on by the epidural I had proudly admitted I was considering weeks before in birthing classes. I'd been the only one.

I knew things weren't so great when my monitors started going off, beeping and chiming, bringing nurses running. I knew the fetal heart monitor they told me they were screwing into my baby's head meant that his heart rate was dropping and the doctors were worried about him. I still didn't know to be scared.

I never felt the incision when they sliced me to help get him out but I definitely felt the tearing when he literally busted out of my va-jay-jay, shoulders at an angle.

At 3:51 P.M. on Sunday, December 4th, 2005, I met my son. Phoenix Samuel.

He came out wailing and as soon as they set him on my chest, he shit all over me. They suctioned out his mouth and nose and murmured inquiries about whether or not my fluid had signs of meconium in it. The word tickled my drug-addled brain but I couldn't put the pieces together.

I handed him back to be cleaned up, barely noticing he was more blue than red. I saw all the equipment and the oxygen tanks. It can't be serious or they would tell me, I thought. I hadn't noticed the surgeon come in or the ever-increasing crowd that was growing around my nether regions. I was watching my baby and listening to Jay coo at me, soothing me in a way I had never expected him to be capable of. He'd been there, at my side, through all of it. Holding my hand, wiping my hair out of my face. Every word his said was the right one. Never once did he upset me or make me feel anything but loved, adored and utterly cared for.


That day showed me that we could love each other in spite of the stress we had been through in the nine months we'd been waiting for this little boy. I knew I would never be with another man again in my life. I knew with the clarity that bespeaks of a divine intervention, if you believe in that sort of thing.

My reverie was broken when the collection of medical personnel gathered between my legs called Jay over with the words, "How does this look?". I will never forget those words or the look on his face and the color completely draining away as he looked at what had to be the most disgusting thing he'd every seen: a vagina freshly mangled by child birth, oh-so-carefully stitched back together. Not a pretty sight, I imagine.

We'd done it. He was here. They wheeled him away with a mask over his little baby face.

I didn't get to see him weighed. I didn't get to see him measured or watch them ink his little feet.

He was off to NICU. His lungs weren't as good as they'd thought and his heart rate was erratic. He needed oxygen. I was too exhausted to be scared, now. I'd been in labor for 20 hours, counting the pre-hospital contractions the day I was admitted, spending most of the night on that medicine ball I mentioned early and all I wanted was sleep. I had no idea what had just happened.

We got to see him a few hours later. He had stabilized and was doing good. Jay gave him his first bath and we found out he was born at 7 lbs 14 oz and was a whopping 22 inches long. The first time I got to feed him, we watched The Simpsons and to this day, the kid knows and recognizes anything and everything Simpsons-related.

Two days later, we went home. As he's grown, the problem with his lungs has stayed and will always be there. His distress during labor had been caused by a birth defect, a congenital malformation, called pectus excavatum; an indented sternum. His little chest cavity isn't as big as it should be; his lungs don't have enough room and neither does his little heart. Fortunately, we've managed to avoid any sort of heart trouble, so far.

I didn't know when we took him home what his first year would hold. I was blissfully oblivious. I had this beautiful, marvelous little being to occupy my thoughts and time. I had my baby and I was a mom. Seven years later, I am a much better mom, with vastly greater appreciation for the gift I was given that day. I have learned that to be a mom, you must put the needs of your children far above your own wants. You must love unconditionally, yourself included. You must be patience and kind, firm and strong. You must be willing to change and learn.

Phoenix has taught me all of this and volumes more. He has given me a gift I can never, ever repay; I owe it to him to be the best mom I can be. I am so grateful for him, so thankful to have him as my own. I would go through every challenge, all the years with no talking, all the tantrums and poopy diapers, the fights and stress, I would do it all again in a heartbeat, just to have him as my son.

So, to the little boy who stole my heart;
the little boy who gave me a light to see by;
the little boy who is no longer a little boy;

Happy Birthday. Mama loves you so much.

Back to the needles

After a year (as close as I can guess; maybe a little longer) without a single yarn purchase, I was beginning to think I'd never knit again. I know. So sad, huh?

Just a little vacation...

So I suppose my absence has been noticed. I'm sorry. Things got a little crazy there with the move and we decided we could do without internet for a bit. Then I got a Kindle for Christmas and well, it's useless without wi-fi so I'm back! Not that I wouldn't have eventually come back anyways or didn't miss this ol' blog; I did, I actually missed it. Anyways, I survived. You survived. And now here we are! Together again.


Well, we moved. It was such a bitch. The worst move EVER. I swear to all things holy. It's over though and we're settled. Back on a routine and doing good. I love this new place SO much! We moved in next to another couple, Monica & John, and their 16 month old son, Johnny, and it's been a dream. He works days, she works nights so we're home together with the kids; Paxton & Johnny are BFFs which is beyond awesome. I forgot how nice it is to have a friend handy (man, I miss you guys!); someone to borrow sugar from, or diapers. Someone to watch the kids so I can shower. Ah, it's so nice! Honestly, the only downside to the whole move is the lack of storage. We have boxes stacked in all the closets and on the boys' balcony, tools shoved wherever they'll fit but it's a small price to pay.


There were a couple birthdays in there too, and some holidays. Phoenix is now six, going on 16, and Paxton is two (but thinks he's five, at least). Can I say that I feel like they're growing up too fast without sounding just like my mother? No?? Okay, well I'll say it anyway. THEY ARE GROWING UP TOO FAST!! I just can't believe how quickly they go from baby to mini-adult. I look at Phoenix and I do not see a six year old. I see a teenager. It scares me. I don't want to blink because if I do, I know I'll miss something. And Paxton. Oh. My. God. Paxton. This kid is as much trouble as two. Not only is he a BIG kid, built like a brick house, but he has a temper and is stubborn as a mule. The last few months, his little personality has just "blossomed". And he's decided that Phoenix is the greatest thing that's ever walked, of course. Until he has a toy Paxton wants then it's WW III. Phoenix is back in school full days!! That's a huge plus and a gigantic boost for me. He loves it and only has a few problems every now and then. 


Our big plans for this year were put on hold for another year or so in place of a new big plan. This year is all about fixing the credit and getting a chunk of land, with or without a house on it. The wedding can wait; I mean, really? Do we need to rush it? I'd rather do it when the time is right and all the pieces just sort of fall into place. We really don't have a lot in the way of debt, it's just that what we do have has killed our credit. Since Jay's self-employed, the business has to be at least two years old before we qualify for a loan. As backwards as it may seem, it feels like we're doing things in the right order. Right for us, at least. 


I really can't believe another year is gone. Jay & I have birthdays lurking around the corner and an anniversary and I'll admit I feel every one of my 28 years, plus 10 or 15 more. The years seem to go so much faster, the older the kids get. Like we're so busy now, we just don't realize how much time has passed, how quickly time goes by. The days blend together; the seasons seem to seep into each other, so you barely notice the change until one day you realize the greens are now reds and browns. Once Halloween rolls around, it's a blur of holidays and birthdays for me. Every year, I feel a little bit luckier I survived and I doubt it will ever be "easy". 


But we made it! It's a New Year. 2012. It's probably the same every year but this feels like it could be a year full of crazy action and big events. I'm just gonna stay positive and keep thinking good thoughts; whatever happens will happen. Happy New Year, friends. I hope it brings joy and happiness to you!

Day 27 -- Golden Years Challenge

Day 27 --

Today I'm posting the letter my dad wrote to me fourteen years ago today. His handwriting requires training to decipher so instead of scanning it in, I'm typing it out

 Here it is:

"To my daughter Megan:

This birthday, your thirteenth, is very special in that it heralds a major change in your life, the transformation from a girl to a woman.

I am writing this today so that I might tell you that I am very proud of you and that I am satisfied to know you have the moral structure and personal strength to become fine woman.

I realize today more than at any other time in my life what it means to say our children are our future.

Just as it has happened for thousands of years, the world I am passing to you is different from the world that was passed to me. In some ways, the world you are inheriting is a little better than the world I came into, with a few of the wrongs righted. Yet in other ways you will find it the same or worse.

What I must be satisfied with is that you are well prepared to take your place in this world.

I am proud to say I am confident you will be.

When I watch you with little babies and young children, I know you have a kind and gentle soul. When I see you playing softball or soccer, I know you can be appropriately assertive. I see your wit and intelligence and know you are blessed with a brain that others can only wish for.

While I will miss my little girl, I also take a lot of pride in giving you to the world because I know you will be among those who will make it a better place to live.

With love and faith,

Your Father.

I miss you more than I could ever say, Dad but I find so much comfort in this letter. I know you're watching over me and my little family and I hope you still be as proud of me. You've shaped me in so many ways and I appreciate all that you did for me. I'll see you again one day, Old Man, until then, know that I love you forever and ever.

Day 20 -- Golden Years Challenge

Day 20 -- 

Today was our nephew's ninth birthday! It's so crazy to think about how fast kids grow up; he was only three when Jay and I met and four when I met him for the first time.

Now he's a "tween" LOL

He's really, really, really into Legos so we got him a few Lego City sets; a helicopter, fire truck and some smaller vehicles. He could build them in his sleep but I figured these could just be filler for his collection.

 

He's also really, really, really, into the San Francisco Giants, which inspired a Giants/baseball-themed party (well done, Mike & Darla!). The house was full of black and orange streamers, Giants decor and even a Giants cake, complete with baseball bat candles.

Phoenix realized Grandma has an XBox in the  playroom and somehow convinced Dylan to let him play Tony Hawk. This kid is incredible! I had no idea he'd be able to pick up on it as quickly as he did; I mean, he has a few video games but he's never even seen Tony Hawk before...

Then there was the piñata. Most of you would like to believe it never rains in California.  It does. Then it floods. No joke. Yards flood; streams, creeks and streets flood; rivers, lakes and reservoirs flood; everything floods. We are not a family that's easily discouraged though; no, we will find a way! It's all worth it when it's for the kids anyways, right?


Oh yeah...did I mention he's a fan of the Giants??

The kids had a blast scrambling for candy, of course, and they all got goodies bags filled with a giant pencil, glow sticks and favors, to store their stash in. Phoenix made out like a bandit and came home with about half his body weight in candy. Paxton's getting so big; now he just roams the house following all the big kids, squealing and squawking around his binkie. He was equally fascinated with the balloons Uncle Mike gave him...




It's crazy to watch these kids grow up so fast; pretty soon Dylan will be in middle school, then high school and college and I will always know, Phoenix is right behind him. 

Have fun this year, Dylan. We love you!

Well, I think it's been too long! I knew I wouldn't keep up with this as well as I wanted to but OMG! I didn't realize I'd ignored it for a year! Phoenix is turning three this Thursday and Jay and I are both a lil freaked out. He's growing up so fast! it's hard to believe that he'll be in school in a another two years...which brings us to a very important question: do we have #2? I'm leaning over the fence on this one...I'm of the mind we should have another baby in the next year or two so Phoenix isn't too old to bond or have a playmate and I'll still be "young", lol. Jay's the one that brought it all up too, which means we'll probably be pregnant again or new parents again this time next year. He told his mom we're thinking about it, so it's all but offical as far as the family goes. The next step is to make the appointment to get my IUD removed and we'll be on our way!!

It's exciting to think about but are we really ready for two?!? Phoenix can be more than a handful at times but then again, he is three...