We choose NOT to spank. Here's why.

This last weekend, I came across a great article about alternative 'disciplinary' tools to use in place of spanking and, being that we're a family who has forgone spanking, I shared it on my page.

I was not expecting to get the reaction I did.

It was not good.

I was floored. Really?? I'm a bad mom because I don't want to hit my kids? Are you kidding me?? Are we still that primitive? Sure, your parents may have spanked you. Maybe your grandparents used a switch on them. That doesn't make it okay. At all.

Times change. We learn new things. We change and evolve. So should the way we raise our kids. We aren't sending our daughters off to get married at 12 and 13. We don't reserve education for our sons alone. We have learned the brains of infants are much more malleable than we had ever believed possible. Science has proven that sustained physical punishment has caused brain damage. Yes, brain damage.

Don't believe me? Here's an example of what Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist specializing in relationship-based parenting, has to say about spanking.

"A 2012 study reviewed the previous two decades of research and confirmed that children who are spanked have less gray matter in their brains, and are more likely to exhibit depression, anxiety, drug use, and aggression as they get older. The only positive outcome that's ever been shown from corporal punishment is immediate compliance; however, corporal punishment is associated with less long-term compliance. Corporal punishment has repeatedly been linked with nine other negative outcomes, including increased rates of aggression, delinquency, mental health problems, and problems in relationships with their parents."

Read the whole article for yourself here. No, really. Read it. Even if you do believe me.

Think about it like this; childhood is preparing you for adulthood. If you're repeatedly being hit to gain your compliance, what are you likely to do to get others to comply with you & your desires? You just might try hitting them...

I was rarely spanked as a child but I was never really taught how to properly deal with my anger, anxiety or any negative emotions. I learned early on to bottle shit up and I can clearly remember having anxiety attacks as young as 7 and 8 years old. My mom didn't deal with "bad" feelings well and I followed in her footsteps but worse, even. 

My mom and I have only had a few physical confrontations but in my book, one is too many. I remember the first time she ever really hit me and the damage it did to our relationship. My dad was much more of a 'presence'. He hated spanking me; he came from a very abusive family and he felt that spanking was a slippery slope. 

I feel the same way. 

I have anger issues. I have had to learn in adulthood how to deal with my "bad" feelings in a positive, healthy way. It is hard. When I am stressed out, distracted, busy, I get angry faster than I normally would. I'm pregnant and hormonal and that makes it even worse right now. I'm a yeller and a "loud talker" and I can be scary. Straight up.

Moms are not supposed to be scary.

Moms are supposed to be soft and cuddly and occasionally tough but always filled with love, understanding and comfort. 

If I believed spanking was an acceptable form of parenting and punishment, I can see myself using it as an outlet for my anger. I said it and I mean it. I can see myself taking my anger out on my kids through spanking. 

And that scares the fucking shit out of me. 

It should. It's not right. It's horrible. The idea that I am so angry and incapable of dealing with that anger that I would resort to hitting my kids to get it out is disgusting to me and a very real problem for a lot of parents. 

We are here to teach these kids and we are obligated to do better for them than our parents did for us. It's the only way to keep getting better. It's the only way to grow as humans, emotionally & mentally. We are not the primitive cavemen we once were because we learned.  We learned to make tools, to farm & cultivate food. We evolved. We became smarter. 

Aren't we smart enough to see the damage we cause when we use our hands instead of our words? Our kids are smarter than we realize and they are more than capable of thought. They can understand right from wrong when it's explained to them. When they are shown there are consequences for every action, good and bad, they learn. They become capable of thinking for themselves and they make better choices because they see the benefits. 

I want my boys to grow up strong, confident and full of love and self-respect. I don't want them to question themselves or their worth because someone tells them they aren't good enough. I do not want them to be fearful of anyone, at any time. I want them to feel powerful enough to speak out when they see wrong in the world. I want them to stand up for themselves when people treat them badly. I want them to know that love is unconditional; I want to teach them they don't need to be someone else's idea of perfect to be loved, that being themselves is perfect enough. 

I choose to parent in ways that don't resort to physical or corporal punishment and I ask every parent out there to at least look at the other options available out there. It's about being the best parents we can be, right? Don't we owe it to our kids to change if changing is what's best for them? 

I think we do and I hope I'm not alone. Next Monday, April 30th, is Spank Out Day, USA. On this day, parents, guardians & caregivers are encouraged not to hit or spank & to seek out other forms of punishment. Programs are available nationwide; at churches, schools and other community outlets. Sometimes, they're even free or have low-cost options. You can find a link to the Spank Out Day, USA website here. 

For one day, give your hand, and your kids' butts, a rest. It's only one day. 

Here are a few more links to some articles, websites and books I find useful:
How to handle your anger at your child

Positive Parents

Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids

Parenting with Love & Logic

The Second Battle

When you have one child with a certain set of problems, you become hyper-aware when a second develops the same set of problems...

Fighting the Battle to Win the War

I've been open in the past about my oldest son Phoenix & his speech delay. I've speculated for a while now that his lack of progress is due to the fact we aren't addressing the WHOLE problem. Last year, when he was at his Montessori school, he made friends with a little girl & at a play date with her, her mother introduced me to the "wonderful" world of Sensory Processing disorders. I had no idea until then, that what was happening to Phoenix might not be just a speech delay; I am forever grateful for that day, that conversation and the on-going support this family has provided us with. I left that play date with a book call Sensational Kids by Dr. Lucy Miller and a insatiable need to fill my brain with all the information I could find on sensory processing disorders. 

Most of you would be surprised to find out how many of us have sensory issues. Think about it for a minute. We all have five senses; sight, smell, hearing, taste and touch. But what if one or more of those senses isn't quite right? Maybe you don't feel light touch or can't stand to hear loud music. Maybe you're the kid who wanted to swing all day long, as high as possible. Sometimes, the brain doesn't "get" the messages our senses are sending it; there's something going on in the brain that isn't normal. It's not taking the information in the right way, not sorting it into the right places. You're not handicapped; you're definitely not dumb. You don't have ADD or ADHD. What they thought was Dyslexia, might not be. You may have a sensory processing disorder.

Crazy as it sounds, 1 in 20 kids has some form of sensory processing dysfunction and most kids diagnosed with ADD/ADHD are in fact suffering from a sensory issue. Phoenix, it turns out, is most likely dealing with an Auditory Processing Disorder (APD) called Centralized Auditory Processing Disorder (CAPD). After everything I've read, all the information I've found, other parents I've talked with, his Speech-Language Pathologist (SLP) at school (her daughter has a different form of sensory processing disorder), all his past IEPs and the good ol' Internet, it has taken me this entire year of Kindergarten to convince the district he has something more than just a Speech & Language impairment.

After being on half-days for a quarter of the year, all the behavioral problems, falling to the bottom of the class in academics and a pretty depressing assessment from the Maryjane Reese Speech, Language & Hearing Center at California State University, Sacramento (Sac State) it seems the team at school is willing to admit I may, in fact, know what I'm talking about. I don't claim to be an expert on anything -- except my kids. I will absolutely claim an expertise on them, for the time being anyways. That's the whole reason I stay at home with them; I want to know exactly what's going on & what they need. If I wasn't home right now, I can't imagine what things would be like for Phoenix...

Our last meeting didn't go very well; I left feeling mollified, not in a good way, but gave the plan we'd agreed on a chance. I blogged about that here and about what lead to that meeting here. Oh, this has been such a long journey... So this time around, I came prepared to do battle. I forwarded the assessment from Sac State to his SLP, Karen, and the rest of his team; rounded up his past IEPs, this year's progress reports, work he's brought home throughout the year and my own observations; all the clinical jargon on APD, CAPD and sensory processing I could get my hands on and walked in there with "fight" in my eyes (I'd like to think I did, at least).

Can you guess what happened? I didn't even get to argue! Before I even had a chance to overwhelm them with all the information I had, all the knowledge I'd stuffed into my brain, the placement specialist I thought I'd have to fight with the hardest, says to his SLP "So you're saying you think he'd benefit most from a CH placement for first grade?" before she'd even finished her observations. I thought I was dreaming or dead. It had to be dead. This was going to be hard. I was going to have to WOW these people, convince them he needed this to thrive. Nope. Not the case. Maybe it was the semi-confrontational emails I exchanged with his newest Occupational Therapist before the meeting, maybe it was the fact all of this had been said in November, at the last meeting, maybe it was the "fight" in my eyes, whatever it was, I'm more than thankful for it. 

This is one of the few times I've felt like I truly have a team working with me to help Phoenix. His SLP has always been on my side and it felt like this time, she went the extra mile. His teacher even said the right things and was actually a bigger help than I thought she'd be. I think all my activism has made a world of difference in her attitude towards all this. She admitted she doesn't know much about sensory processing disorders but agreed that he did have the characteristics of a child with APD when she heard them. The OT agreed a sensory diet isn't appropriate for the CAPD but other auditory-based OT could be helpful.

On top of all this, we're going to a hearing specialist to address a Type B/Type C tympanometry, we're also going to get an assessment for CAPD done at Sac State next semester and Phoenix is going to start a CAPD clinic on the 27th; he'll have two 50-minute sessions a week, for six weeks. I think I might even have a better time with sensory help from his pediatrician after the hearing test she did showed a Type C tympanometry; she actually volunteered the word "sensory" and said his ears could be causing problems for him. Phoenix has passed at least six hearing tests in half that many years, always on the default that he reacted, but not always at the right times. It took the tympanometry at Sac State to find this problem. Now that we've found it, we may be able to say the speech delay is part of an auditory processing disorder and that of course, means we have an answer. 

I'm not counting my eggs before they hatch, even though I've completely convinced myself it IS an auditory processing disorder. Honestly, I'm just ecstatic that he's going to be in a class that's going to help him grow his communication skills next year. First grade is so crucial to a child; I want to make sure he has every tool he needs these first few years, so he can succeed and be happy in school, for as many years as is humanly possible. He won't be going to the school closest to us but the school he's going to is close & it's supposed to be a really good school. 

I'm debating on whether or not I should let him take the bus next year; I know he would love it but I don't know if I would. I like our to and from routines...He's also going to go to extended year again this summer at the same school he went to last year, maybe even with the same teacher. He'll still get pulled out for speech in the new CH class so they can make sure to address the articulation issues he has. He is doing well in his Kindergarten class, in most areas that don't deal with verbal communication; he's making friends, in his own way, getting them to help him write words and 'label' his pictures. 

In a way, I'm glad he'll finish out the year in this class; it was sort of a testing year. How far could he get when pushed to age level? How much is he really lacking? What seems to be behind his failing academics? He'll get to stay with the friends he's managed to make this year for a few more months & we'll get to see how much farther he can go in a regular classroom setting before going to the CH class. My hope is he'll only need the CH class setting for a few years; maybe by fourth or fifth grade, he'll be able to go back to a "normal" class and thrive. I just want to make sure he can do all that, as soon as possible. The kid has an amazing amount of potential; he's friendly, happy, curious and so, so funny. I want to nourish that. I want to see him able to express himself freely, sooner rather than later.

I'm so excited for him. I'm so proud of him. It's hard to remember, every day, that he is dealing with something so difficult. He copes so well & has adapted in so many different ways. I just have to remind myself every now & then how special, how amazing he really is. Knowing he's doing as well as he is, with the handicap he has, helps give me the strength I need to stay calm, rational and above all, patient. I was in no way ready for parenting to be this hard but I gladly accept the challenge. Seeing Phoenix succeed and overcome all these obstacles motivates me to be the best mom I can be for him because he deserves it. Part of me hopes he'll thank me for all of this one day; the other part of me hopes he will never know it wasn't exactly what I should have done. 

This is easily the hardest, most rewarding thing I have ever done and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. Thanks for sharing this journey with me. It's still in progress and will be for many years, I feel. Please leave comments or questions if you have them. I truly appreciate all feedback & readership ;) you guys help make this the therapy it is <3

The Greatest Reward

Another anxiety-filled morning for me, wondering whether or not today would be a "good" day. I worry for a number for reasons; what makes for a "good" day and a "bad" day? How can I help him get through this best? What am I doing wrong? I don't have answers for these questions but I don't really need to answer them, either. Today was a good day and I can't help but think maybe, just maybe, he's starting to get the idea that good behavior makes us feel better.

For me, seeing results that I want, makes the effort I put into parenting worth all the worry, anxiety and research. All the self-improvement and reprogramming I've done for myself isn't really for me; it's so I can be the best Mom I can be. I was so worried I didn't handle yesterday well enough; I thought of a million ways today could turn into a "bad" day and how it would be my fault for not encouraging him enough or being too hard on the one Smiley he didn't get. Now, I feel like maybe I handled things yesterday way better than I thought I did.

Parenting is not at all easy & I definitely make mistakes from time to time. When I get stressed out, I'm know to yell a bit. I can be a tyrant when it comes to messes in the living room. I swear in front of them. All of this just proves I'm not perfect. I'm not perfect. I'm a parent. We aren't perfect, but our imperfections help us be better parents. They can show us where we need improvement and our kids benefit from that. When we acknowledge we have faults & make mistakes and we actively work to correct those faults & fix our mistakes, we are showing our kids, in the best possible way, how to grow, how to learn, how to change the things we don't really like about ourselves, while still loving who we are.

Knowing that this is going to be hard makes it a little easier, as crazy as that sounds. It means that we're doing things right. One of the parenting "programs" I've found most helpful is the Love & Logic system from Jim Fay & his son, Dr. Charles Fay, Ph.D. and this simple line from their parenting handbook sums up what I mean very well: "When we do the right thing with challenging children, it will almost always look and feel like the wrong thing in the short term." <3