The Greatest Gift

As Christmas draws closer and we all scramble to find those last-minute presents, I want all of you to stop & think.

Remember that the greatest gifts we can give are NOT bought in the stores.

You can't order them online.

They don't require wrapping paper and they won't cost you a penny.

These gifts will be more appreciated. They have the potential to change lives and bring happiness you never realized was possible and they are within your power to give, to anyone and everyone you encounter.

Kindness.

Friendship.

Compassion.

Love.

Just a few of the priceless gifts we take for granted. We focus so much on the monetary value of our gifts, we forget that these simple things can have a greater impact than anything you can buy in a store. These are gifts that benefit everyone; the giver and the receiver. These gifts can be given to anyone; the clerk at the movie store, the cashier at Safeway, the teller at the bank, your mom, your friends, the bum on the corner.

These gifts will not go unused. They will not be opened up on Christmas morning and tossed aside. They will be enjoyed, cherished and they have the potential to be life-changing. They are in your power to give, as often as you choose, to whomever you choose.

These gifts are more valuable.

They have more meaning.

They are long-lasting and they have a tendency to multiple; the ripple effect, if you will.

One simple act could set in motion a chain of events beyond belief, sending ripples of awesomeness and greatness farther than you could imagine. My challenge, yes, CHALLENGE, to all of you this Christmas is to give ONE GIFT of kindness; ONE GIFT of friendship; ONE GIFT of compassion; ONE GIFT of love. See how far your ripples go. Enjoy the moment. Spread the kindness, the friendship, the compassion, the love. Spread them thick and wide.

Make this Christmas one that is full of these gifts and you will make this Christmas extra-special and full of unforgettable memories. I have been given these gifts myself and I can guarantee they have made an immeasurable difference. I don't care what I get for Christmas, this year or any other year, because I know I have the greatest gifts ever in my friends, my family.

I am well and truly blessed.

Christmas is coming

Seven days and counting.

SEVEN DAYS.

One week.

Christmas is coming.

It's right around the corner and if you're anything like me, you're nowhere near ready. Or you're not like me at all & you're completely done with shopping, wrapping and decorating. CONGRATULATIONS.

I have done NO shopping. I haven't wrapped a single present. I haven't even really thought about doing either. It's bad, I know, but December is just too overwhelming for me and for the third year in a row, we've waited WAY TOO LONG.

Pulling off a good Christmas for two kids can be difficult in the best financial situation. Pulling off a good Christmas for two kids PLUS two decent birthdays and you are doomed if you haven't been planning and stockpiling presents all year long. I told myself this. I told Jay this. I knew this in June; we should be shopping for Christmas. Did I start shopping then?? NO. If I had, I would have some shopping done and some presents to wrap.

Good thing Christmas is more than shopping and wrapping and presents, right?

Right.

Christmas is about caring and sharing and family. Its about being together and enjoying each other's company. There's the cooking and the decorating.  The tree and the lights.

Oh, the lights.

The lights are my absolute favorite part of Christmas. I'd leave them up all year if it wasn't the sign of complete laziness because they are just so damned pretty.

And while I might be totally slacking off when it comes to presents and wrapping, we aren't slacking at all when it comes to Christmas spirit. Our lights have been up since the first week of December and we got our tree this last weekend. It took us awhile to find The Perfect Tree; we went to THREE different tree farms up at Apple Hill but find it, we did. Jay cut it down; I helped him carry it out and Phoenix helped net it for the ride home. It was definitely a family affair.

We got it home and set up. Jay wanted to put the lights on it, which I usually do because they have to be just a certain way but I relented and let him do it. Phoenix helped with the garland and the ornaments, of course, and I found myself repeating words I heard so often when decorating the tree as a kid --

"Move that one over there."

"Too many ornaments here."

"Oh, there's a bald spot!"

In his defense, it is kind of hard to decorate a six-foot tree when you're only four-and-a-half feet tall. Considering this height limitation, he did really well and only a few ornaments had to be 'relocated'. I'm kind of surprised by how much he really loves Christmas. He's only seven and hasn't complained to us about his birthday being so close to this other, more widely-celebrated holiday. Yet. I know it may still come, as he gets older but right now, he doesn't care and he is totally in love with Christmas.

Paxton is too young to really grasp the concept of birthdays and Christmas but he's the one who's really going to be put out as time ticks by. His birthday is on the 30th, just five days after Christmas. Everyone is burned out and overwhelmed and we're all out of Valium by this point in the holiday season; we're all just waiting for New Year's Eve and the champagne. The last week of December has to be the worst time of year for a birthday.

THE WORST.

He doesn't have a clue, though. He's just excited to see all the pretty lights, like his Mama. He has no idea who Santa is or that this mysterious fat man will be bringing him presents. I'm not sure what he would do if I tried to take him to see Santa at the mall but I can't imagine it would be good. Avoiding the mall Santa is just fine by me; one less thing I have to worry about not getting done. Like the Christmas cards that won't be there before Christmas.

You'll be getting New Years cards instead. You're welcome.

All this stress and somehow, it's still fun. This is still a time of year I look forward to; I still get excited; I thrive on the last minute rushing around and the Christmas Eve wrapping craze. It's kind of a tradition, one my dad started many, many years ago when he'd take me out on Christmas Eve to get my mom's present but all the stress, all the hassle, all the madness are worth it when you see those little faces light up when they see the presents stacked up under the tree.

Christmas is coming and I am not prepared.

I'm not going to stress out about it, though. Why should I? It's Christmas time and I already have everything I could ever need: I have my family. I have my health. I have hope.

This year is going to be tight and tricky and it won't go down in history as the Christmas we all got everything we asked for but it will still be Christmas. We will still be together, we are still a family and we can make even the poorest, most-presentless Christmas rich with love and full of happiness because we are together.

The not-so-happy holidays

Everyone LOVES the holidays. I do too. The time with family, the food, reflecting on the years' accomplishments and craziness. It's a reminder that another year is coming to a close and a new one is right around the corner. It's a chance to start again fresh.

It's also the time of year when I turn into a blubbering mess.

As much as I love the holidays, they pain me to no end. Every Thanksgiving, birthday, Christmas; every New Year is a big fat slap in my face. A reminder to me that I am missing something I truly need in my life. A reminder that I am missing someone.

I try to stay too busy to think about it. I try to focus on all the events that will take place this month. I try to ignore the sadness that creeps up on me. I try to shove down the sobs and tears but they are still there, lurking just below the surface.

I miss my dad.

I want him to be here.

I NEED him to be here.

WHY CAN'T HE BE HERE?!

Even if I make it through the holidays without turning into an emotional wreck, I can't ignore that every New Year brings the anniversary of his death. With the passing of this year and the start of 2013, I will see the start of another year without my dad. Year Nine. I miss him terribly, even after all this time. I try to comfort others who are in my same place by saying it gets better with time and it sort of does but then there are these days when I realize how much he's missed out on; how much of the life I know was never seen by him.

I look at my boys and I see him and I know I'm not really alone. I feel sad & I hold them close, much to their displeasure, and sob my eyes out. Phoenix is used to it by now and will tell me 'It's okay. Don't be sad, Mom.' and Paxton seems to be picking up on it too, patting my back as if to comfort me. I hold them and I try to be the best "me" I can be; the best mom I can be because I know that's what he would expect of me.

Do things that make you uncomfortable.

Always know you can be better.

The only way to grow is to keep pushing the envelope.

Never, ever give up.

I try to remember his voice telling me all this when I was too young and full of myself to know he was speaking truth; too stupid to see he was preparing me for a life without him. I know that he is still with me in spirit, I just wish I could get one last hug.

Just a little vacation...

So I suppose my absence has been noticed. I'm sorry. Things got a little crazy there with the move and we decided we could do without internet for a bit. Then I got a Kindle for Christmas and well, it's useless without wi-fi so I'm back! Not that I wouldn't have eventually come back anyways or didn't miss this ol' blog; I did, I actually missed it. Anyways, I survived. You survived. And now here we are! Together again.


Well, we moved. It was such a bitch. The worst move EVER. I swear to all things holy. It's over though and we're settled. Back on a routine and doing good. I love this new place SO much! We moved in next to another couple, Monica & John, and their 16 month old son, Johnny, and it's been a dream. He works days, she works nights so we're home together with the kids; Paxton & Johnny are BFFs which is beyond awesome. I forgot how nice it is to have a friend handy (man, I miss you guys!); someone to borrow sugar from, or diapers. Someone to watch the kids so I can shower. Ah, it's so nice! Honestly, the only downside to the whole move is the lack of storage. We have boxes stacked in all the closets and on the boys' balcony, tools shoved wherever they'll fit but it's a small price to pay.


There were a couple birthdays in there too, and some holidays. Phoenix is now six, going on 16, and Paxton is two (but thinks he's five, at least). Can I say that I feel like they're growing up too fast without sounding just like my mother? No?? Okay, well I'll say it anyway. THEY ARE GROWING UP TOO FAST!! I just can't believe how quickly they go from baby to mini-adult. I look at Phoenix and I do not see a six year old. I see a teenager. It scares me. I don't want to blink because if I do, I know I'll miss something. And Paxton. Oh. My. God. Paxton. This kid is as much trouble as two. Not only is he a BIG kid, built like a brick house, but he has a temper and is stubborn as a mule. The last few months, his little personality has just "blossomed". And he's decided that Phoenix is the greatest thing that's ever walked, of course. Until he has a toy Paxton wants then it's WW III. Phoenix is back in school full days!! That's a huge plus and a gigantic boost for me. He loves it and only has a few problems every now and then. 


Our big plans for this year were put on hold for another year or so in place of a new big plan. This year is all about fixing the credit and getting a chunk of land, with or without a house on it. The wedding can wait; I mean, really? Do we need to rush it? I'd rather do it when the time is right and all the pieces just sort of fall into place. We really don't have a lot in the way of debt, it's just that what we do have has killed our credit. Since Jay's self-employed, the business has to be at least two years old before we qualify for a loan. As backwards as it may seem, it feels like we're doing things in the right order. Right for us, at least. 


I really can't believe another year is gone. Jay & I have birthdays lurking around the corner and an anniversary and I'll admit I feel every one of my 28 years, plus 10 or 15 more. The years seem to go so much faster, the older the kids get. Like we're so busy now, we just don't realize how much time has passed, how quickly time goes by. The days blend together; the seasons seem to seep into each other, so you barely notice the change until one day you realize the greens are now reds and browns. Once Halloween rolls around, it's a blur of holidays and birthdays for me. Every year, I feel a little bit luckier I survived and I doubt it will ever be "easy". 


But we made it! It's a New Year. 2012. It's probably the same every year but this feels like it could be a year full of crazy action and big events. I'm just gonna stay positive and keep thinking good thoughts; whatever happens will happen. Happy New Year, friends. I hope it brings joy and happiness to you!