It ends.

With the end of today comes the end of a long, very defining chapter in my life.

It started with trauma, weeks after I had buried my father and he wouldn't be alone. His mother and brother followed him, as did my mom's mom. I've met new people, made new friends, seen new places, created a life for myself that is all my own. Three children have come out of my body. Three beautiful, perfectly formed little babies. My heart has broken and mended itself again and again. I have learned. I have grown. Fears have been conquered. Dreams have come true and dreams have been shattered, laid to rest forever.

The sun sets tonight and I say 'Goodbye' to my twenties. Ten years of life doesn't seem like so much, until you really think about all that has happened in that time. Ten years can be forever. Ten years can be a lifetime.

Ten years ago, I was a wholly different person. No kids. No responsibilities. I had no idea the road I was heading down. I couldn't see what the future held; none of us really can, I don't think. I was lost in a fog of grief, struggling to find something, anything, to hold on to, to cling to, to give me a reason to want to live.

Then I had Him. The wound my father's death gave me wasn't healed but the day Phoenix was born, I found life again. This tiny, wriggling little being had grown inside me, been made by me but I knew he was a gift. I made a promise to always be the best I could be for him, to do the best by him I could and to always be there for him, no matter what.

I took on new responsibilities, got a real job, for a little while; I grew confident and learn to love myself. I made choices and I made mistakes. I gave up on working to stay at home and made another one of those three beautiful boys. I uprooted our growing family and said goodbye to the city that had raised me, said goodbye to 26 years of memories and the friends I'd made. I grew even more and discovered you never stop learning about yourself when you are honest with yourself.

I made a home in a new city, in a new state. I became more comfortable with myself, admitted I had faults (and still do) and looked for solutions to my problems. I was finally able to get Phoenix the help he desperately needed and as a reward, I've watched him flourish & blossom. Paxton has grown into a wonder-filled, curious little boy and I am cherishing every second of #3's babyhood. Korben is seven months old and even more energetic than Paxton was at this age; he fits into the family as if he was always here & you know, I'm inclined to think he may have been.

I know there is a lot more to come but I'm sad to see this part of my life end, sort of anyways. The next ten years will hold some of the same: growth, love and learning; there will be more heartache and stresses to overcome. I will see these boys grow into young men and I'm sure I will "earn" many more gray hairs.

As I close this chapter, I know I've already started the next & this one won't really end with the setting sun. It just continues, just as life continues.

I will keep being me, just an older, wiser me.

I don't blog to make friends, it just sort of happens

I've done posts about what this blog means to me before. I've explained that this isn't something I do for anyone other than myself. This blog is a chance for me to vocalize everything that's going on in my brain and it gives me an opportunity to share my experiences with the world.

I don't choose topics I think will get me readers. I don't blog to impress people. I'm don't think this will get me fame or fortunes or make me an internet sensation. I don't really want to be a "mommy blogger".

I'm just a mom who blogs.

Given all this, I will admit that one of the biggest surprises and the greatest rewards in doing this has been the friendships I've made. One in particular, Kelly over at DeBie Hive, has been a true gift.

When I found her blog, I was shocked to see so many similarities in our writings and experiences. She had just lost her dad to cancer and I felt for her. I left her a comment and it sparked a relationship that has helped me in ways I could never have imagined. She motivates me to keep on writing, regardless of the topic, and to write from my heart. I'm impressed with how open and willing to share Kelly is and I find it inspiring. I find strength in her words; they give me the ability to say, "Yes. I can do this. I can be open & honest. I don't need to censor my words here. THIS IS MY SPACE." 


I started my Facebook page in large part because of Kelly, even if she doesn't know it. I look forward to her blogs with much anticipation and I am always, ALWAYS thrilled to get feedback from her on my posts. She is genuine, warm, friendly and HONEST. With not a lot of people to turn to for advice or just an ear to listen to my woes, I am supremely grateful that she has decided I am worthy of her attentions. A quick conversation with her on Facebook yesterday, changed my entire day & helped me work through issues that have been plaguing me for a long while now.

We may be absolute strangers in the eyes of most people but I have a feeling that if I were to announce a trip to Colorado tomorrow, I'd have an invite to meet her for coffee. And, Kelly, if you ever make a trip out to Sacramento, I'll be expecting to hear about it. You have helped me find confidence in my writings, helped me give voice to the thoughts I dared not speak before and shown me the power of uncensoring myself.

Thank you so much for the opportunity to be your friend. You really are awesome <3