Friday, December 7, 2012

The not-so-happy holidays

Everyone LOVES the holidays. I do too. The time with family, the food, reflecting on the years' accomplishments and craziness. It's a reminder that another year is coming to a close and a new one is right around the corner. It's a chance to start again fresh.

It's also the time of year when I turn into a blubbering mess.

As much as I love the holidays, they pain me to no end. Every Thanksgiving, birthday, Christmas; every New Year is a big fat slap in my face. A reminder to me that I am missing something I truly need in my life. A reminder that I am missing someone.

I try to stay too busy to think about it. I try to focus on all the events that will take place this month. I try to ignore the sadness that creeps up on me. I try to shove down the sobs and tears but they are still there, lurking just below the surface.

I miss my dad.

I want him to be here.

I NEED him to be here.

WHY CAN'T HE BE HERE?!

Even if I make it through the holidays without turning into an emotional wreck, I can't ignore that every New Year brings the anniversary of his death. With the passing of this year and the start of 2013, I will see the start of another year without my dad. Year Nine. I miss him terribly, even after all this time. I try to comfort others who are in my same place by saying it gets better with time and it sort of does but then there are these days when I realize how much he's missed out on; how much of the life I know was never seen by him.

I look at my boys and I see him and I know I'm not really alone. I feel sad & I hold them close, much to their displeasure, and sob my eyes out. Phoenix is used to it by now and will tell me 'It's okay. Don't be sad, Mom.' and Paxton seems to be picking up on it too, patting my back as if to comfort me. I hold them and I try to be the best "me" I can be; the best mom I can be because I know that's what he would expect of me.

Do things that make you uncomfortable.

Always know you can be better.

The only way to grow is to keep pushing the envelope.

Never, ever give up.

I try to remember his voice telling me all this when I was too young and full of myself to know he was speaking truth; too stupid to see he was preparing me for a life without him. I know that he is still with me in spirit, I just wish I could get one last hug.

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