Friday, December 28, 2012

Pining for Portland

It's been almost three years since we moved down to Sacramento from Portland. Three long, hard years. We've moved twice since first coming down. Jay started the company and its been going and growing. We've settled in and gotten used to California living but in all honesty, I miss Portland. 

I miss the people.

I miss the rain.

I miss the city itself.

As soon as we found out we were pregnant again, I really started missing Portland. I realized right away that this pregnancy would be vastly different than my other two. I wouldn't be going to Legacy Emanuel. I wouldn't be dealing with the team of Certified Nurse Midwives that I had come to know so well during my pregnancies with Phoenix and Paxton. I might not even be able to find a CNM. The idea of having an OB/GYN freaks me out to no end. I wouldn't even be giving birth to another Oregonian; this baby will be a Californian, through and through.

We left for a reason though. Several, in fact. I had spent 26 years in that city. I'd gone to elementary, middle and high school there. It was all I really knew and at the time of the move, I was feeling suffocated. I needed to get out of there and I needed to experience life in another city, a new place. I needed to know I could survive and thrive anywhere.

I've come to grips with the fact that I was running away from life up there. I wanted to get away from my mom and moving has really helped our relationship. I appreciate her so much more & I think she appreciates me and the boys more too. I've had to admit that life here in California isn't all that different than life in Oregon.

We are still struggling, a little less than before but still struggling. I'm still alone with the boys most of every day. Jay and I still fight and the boys still have speech issues.

Yes, we live in a new city, a new state, but we still have a lot of our old problems. Moving doesn't fix much, if anything, and sometimes, it gives you more problems. I feel more isolated, more alone here than I ever did in Portland. I have made friends and I am truly grateful for them; they have helped keep me sane, especially in this last year. I've grown exponentially since coming down here and have really gotten a grip on my anxiety and panic attacks. I've learned how to get around and I've gained an insane amount of confidence in myself.

I'll admit I have regretted this move A LOT in the last few years; life here is not at all what I expected, what I was made to believe it would be. Yet I can't really be disappointed or angry. This has been an experience unlike any other I've ever put myself through. I made the choice to move here. I am at least partially responsible for the misery I am experiencing and I am the only one who can stop myself from being miserable.

We can't go back to Portland any time soon; we don't have the finances to do it and with the business down here, we can't really leave at all. As much as I miss Portland, as much as I need to go back, this is "home" for now. I need to make the most of it; I need to focus on all the good that has come from this move and I have to remember that things weren't prefect up there, either. No matter where we live, no matter what we do for work, life will always be life.

It will be hard; it will have challenges and hurdles to overcome.

There will be bright and shiny spots and moments of awesome happiness.

Life will go on and wherever you are, life will be what you make it.

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