Pining for Portland

It's been almost three years since we moved down to Sacramento from Portland. Three long, hard years. We've moved twice since first coming down. Jay started the company and its been going and growing. We've settled in and gotten used to California living but in all honesty, I miss Portland. 

I miss the people.

I miss the rain.

I miss the city itself.

As soon as we found out we were pregnant again, I really started missing Portland. I realized right away that this pregnancy would be vastly different than my other two. I wouldn't be going to Legacy Emanuel. I wouldn't be dealing with the team of Certified Nurse Midwives that I had come to know so well during my pregnancies with Phoenix and Paxton. I might not even be able to find a CNM. The idea of having an OB/GYN freaks me out to no end. I wouldn't even be giving birth to another Oregonian; this baby will be a Californian, through and through.

We left for a reason though. Several, in fact. I had spent 26 years in that city. I'd gone to elementary, middle and high school there. It was all I really knew and at the time of the move, I was feeling suffocated. I needed to get out of there and I needed to experience life in another city, a new place. I needed to know I could survive and thrive anywhere.

I've come to grips with the fact that I was running away from life up there. I wanted to get away from my mom and moving has really helped our relationship. I appreciate her so much more & I think she appreciates me and the boys more too. I've had to admit that life here in California isn't all that different than life in Oregon.

We are still struggling, a little less than before but still struggling. I'm still alone with the boys most of every day. Jay and I still fight and the boys still have speech issues.

Yes, we live in a new city, a new state, but we still have a lot of our old problems. Moving doesn't fix much, if anything, and sometimes, it gives you more problems. I feel more isolated, more alone here than I ever did in Portland. I have made friends and I am truly grateful for them; they have helped keep me sane, especially in this last year. I've grown exponentially since coming down here and have really gotten a grip on my anxiety and panic attacks. I've learned how to get around and I've gained an insane amount of confidence in myself.

I'll admit I have regretted this move A LOT in the last few years; life here is not at all what I expected, what I was made to believe it would be. Yet I can't really be disappointed or angry. This has been an experience unlike any other I've ever put myself through. I made the choice to move here. I am at least partially responsible for the misery I am experiencing and I am the only one who can stop myself from being miserable.

We can't go back to Portland any time soon; we don't have the finances to do it and with the business down here, we can't really leave at all. As much as I miss Portland, as much as I need to go back, this is "home" for now. I need to make the most of it; I need to focus on all the good that has come from this move and I have to remember that things weren't prefect up there, either. No matter where we live, no matter what we do for work, life will always be life.

It will be hard; it will have challenges and hurdles to overcome.

There will be bright and shiny spots and moments of awesome happiness.

Life will go on and wherever you are, life will be what you make it.

The Death of a Dream

America's Next Top Model - Cycle 16

America's Next Top Model is holding auditions for the next 'cycle' right down the street from my house.

Today.

I knew about this last week and was torn: do I give it one last shot? Or do I let go of my modeling dreams?

I chose the latter. I'm twenty-seven. I have two kids and a husband-in-the-making. I'm really pretty ordinary, in looks and personality. Let's face it: I'm just not ANTM material. I tried out once before, in Portland. Phoenix was two or three and I'd been modeling for a local designer in her fashion shows. I had a couple photo shoots under my belt and a 3-shot portfolio. I'd even been paid to do an ad campaign for a local mall; I was doing more as a model than I ever thought was possible. I thought I had a chance. Maybe, I had a chance.

ANTM auditions - 2008

I didn't come close but I learned a lot; about modeling and about myself. I told myself I'd definitely, definitely do it again.

Today was my last shot.

Like I said, I'm twenty-seven and if you watch the show, you know that's the cut-off age. I think I'm okay with it, though. I am disappointed I didn't do more to make my dream a reality but the reality of my life isn't one that meshes well with the reality of being a model. I wouldn't give up what I have for anything; not even a dream like that.

Plus, I have other passions; other interests and dreams. I am happy knowing I can chase those down. Knitting could never compete with my life the way attempting to be a model would.  I am happy knowing I did something to pursue my dream, even if I didn't make it come entirely true. And I'm especially happy I can tell the boys, "You can be anything you want to be.", without feeling the guilt of not becoming the 'anything' I wanted to be. I tried and I decided I wanted to be a mom more.

Maybe one day, they'll thank me. And tell me I was beautiful.