Monday, October 1, 2012

[F]October

Sweet little baby Jesus. I can't believe it's OCTOBER already. Where the Hell has 2012 gone?? We're just a couple months' away from another set of holidays, birthdays and another New Year.

Things have been back to crazy for awhile now; Phoenix has been back to school (FIRST GRADE!) since the middle of August and speech clinic just started back up at CSUS. Paxton had his initial evaluation done to determine what type of speech clinic he'd most benefit from and should start clinics in the next month or so. Once Paxton gets started, I'll be at CSUS FOUR TIMES A WEEK.

Last week was extra busy because Jay's "baby" sister was in town from Detroit with her fiance and our niece Haley. She turns three on the 11th and since they live out in Michigan, Sammi & Aaron brought her out to celebrate with us a little early. Paxton is only a four or five months younger than Haley and the two of them are more like siblings than cousins. My MIL came over with her on Thursday for some play time at the park and I got to keep her through nap time. It was super awesome to have a little girl in the house.

SUPER. AWESOME.

Knowing our Detroit fam was coming in, and knowing I had a little girl to knit for, I went on a blitz. A hat, a pair of shrugs, some wash clothes, a couple more hats, all of it destined for the already-cold Motor City. I always feel weird knitting gifts because knitted things are not always greatly appreciated and when you hand-make ANYTHING, it takes time and effort, so I tried to make sure it was stuff they would are need and/or use. Nothing sucks as much as taking the time to make something you think is tits, only to find out the receiver thinks it's just so-so. Or even worse: God-awful fugly.

I'm preparing for tomorrow, getting all my ducks in their pretty little rows. It's my first appointment with my new PCP where I get to experience the pure joy of requesting an OB/GYN, give him paperwork from PP that says I need a colposcopy to biopsy my lady parts, see if he takes me & my lab work seriously and hope he gives me a referral. Then I get to wait for an appointment with whomever he refers me to. All the while, cancer could be growing, ever-so-slowly, inside my babymaker.

I was supposed to be pregnant or trying to get pregnant with our third and final baby right now. The plan was to get the IUD removed, get the 'All Clear" and start practicing. Now, I'm not even sure there will ever be that third and final baby. I have no idea what's going on with my body right now but I've known for awhile that something isn't right. I'm scared to fucking death and it weighs on my mind all day, every day. I feel like it's my problem, that I'm alone in this; my fears haven't been legitimized and I feel like I shouldn't be vocalizing them at all because I don't know anything yet.

I'm trying my hardest to keep my shit togther but on top of all the stress of every day life and this very scary cancer junk, I feel like Jay & I are growing apart. We still have so many of the same issues we had when we started down this road. It was never easy for us; we've always had to fight for what we have. LITERALLY. It's just the way things happened for us. Not too many couples have the experience we did -- I got pregnant with Phoenix maybe six weeks after we started dating, and that's being generous -- even fewer couples survive that kind of event, intact. Things have always been on the upswing, though; by that, I mean to say we have always been trying and working together to make us and our relationship, better.

Things are different now. We don't say "I'm sorry" anymore. We don't talk about the things we fight about when the fighting is done. Issues just fester until one of us explodes. It is completely and totally unhealthy.

And I have no idea what to do about it.

It's simply way more than I can handle right now.

Not having a partner I can lean on and be understood by is probably what makes this feel so hard. I have to admit, I'm feeling a little lost these days. Hearing a friend say the same thing, asking the same questions of herself, makes me ask myself: what am I really doing? I've got no compass and I'm not sure where I am or which path will lead me home again and I'm pretty sure there's a blizzard coming over that next hill.

And I'm naked, totally lacking even the barest sort of protection, but life keeps on ticking by and I can't just lay down and give up. I have to fight. One step at a time. Inch by inch. Foot by foot. Mile by mile. Day by day. Tomorrow is a new start and a chance to learn, a chance to grow. I have these kids and even if we fight, I know I still have Jay, ultimately. I have life, love and hope; I think that's all I really need.

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