Wednesday, May 23, 2012

The small things

Tonight is Open House at Phoenix's school. That one night a year when parents, grandparents and any relative in between cluster into the classrooms of kids around the country to 'oooh' and 'ahhh' at all the beautiful wonders they've created during the school year. I remember my Open House days and it seems so odd that I'm the parent now. He's growing up so fast. TOO fast. He's not a baby any more and I can't think of him as a "child" either. He is quickly becoming a young man.

I can't wait to see what he's accomplished this year; it's been such a challenging one. I know he's not going to be on a level with his peers but I'm hoping he's closer to closing the gap. I am so proud of him and all he has done, everything he is doing.

Add that enormous sense of pride to the inspiring words from DeBie Hive about the gift of gratitude & "What the hell are you so gotdamned happy about??" from I Want a Dumpster Baby and all the negative bullshit I'm holding on to seems utterly ridiculous. Which it is. Shit happens. No one is exempt from it. We all suffer from the occasional Black Cloud of Despair; the trouble is in letting it linger when you should be chasing it away.

I know whatever goes wrong in my life, no matter how bad shit gets, as long as I have these two miraculous little beings, nothing will ever be too much. I will never give up. In these two miniatures of myself & Jay I can find all the joy, the happiness and pride I need to make life liveable. I'm missing what I should be relishing. They teach me to enjoy the small things, to find happiness in them. They help me see these small things have a great impact.

Quiet mornings cuddling on the couch with Paxton

Putting puzzles together with Phoenix

Quality time with Jay in the evenings

Walks to the park

Hugs & kisses

Bath time

THESE are the things I find joy in. These are little things that have a great impact on me, on the boys, on all of us. When I'm in a negative state of mind, it effects all of these things. Suddenly, these little things aren't so awesome or joyous. They become annoying, bothersome & distracting. Almost like the negativity knows it's about to get smothered in sappy, hippy-dippy positive energy & die, it makes an all-or-nothing attempt to dominate my psyche. Well, I've got news for you, Negativity.

I DON'T LIKE YOU.


I'M TIRED OF YOU. 


I'M SICK OF YOUR DEMANDS & THE DRAIN YOU PUT ON MY EMOTIONS.


I won't ignore you entirely (it's just not possible) but I will not give into you either. I have the power. I have the control. I choose to be happy with what I have because I have a lot to be happy for. I have my health, my family. I have friends who care about me & support me. I will remember to look for the small things. I will remember that feeding my Black Cloud of Despair is dangerous and damaging.

Tonight, I will wallow in the joy & pride I have for Phoenix. I will remember how lucky I am to have him & what an awesome, amazing, wonderful kid he is. I won't focus on things that make me angry. I will be positive. I will look for the bright side & enjoy the small things in life. I'll remember that bad days are only 24 hours long & that I am always in control of me.

I will remember that I am happy with what I have.

Behind every black cloud is the sun, fighting to break through <3

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