Day 6 & 7 --
I won't normally combine two days into one post but yesterday was a hard day and today isn't much better.
I've realized my out-of-control anxiety has been directly tied to
something someone the last few weeks and I feel obligated to reflect on it here, since that's the point of this whole project.
It's beat up and stained. Worn out around the edges with a few pieces missing. It has wrinkles and creases. It looks like she loves me.
It's hard for me to look at this and think about the relationship I currently have with my mother. She looks so happy. She seems so normal. I don't know if she's changed or if she's just incapable of keeping up the facade of 'normalcy'. Like most kids, I saw the imperfections of my parents eventually but I've always been taught that flaws are part of us and we love people regardless of them. Right?
What if you just can't? What if the flaws have just gotten to be such a problem, they are effecting your life? Endangering your family? Does that make it okay to say "Leave me alone!" to one of your parents?
I'm not just a daughter any more; now, I'm a mother above all else. Everything I do, I have to think of them first. It's because of that, I have to believe that I'm doing the right thing and everything will work out in the end.
I hope you can understand.
I can't explain it to you. It's too complicated and asking me to do so is redundant. The parts I can explain, I have. Several times. At length. And yet you don't seem to really absorb what I'm saying. I understand it may be hard to hear but I do not say it to hurt you; I say it with love, in the hopes it can help you grow and be a happier person. I see so much unhappiness in your life clouded over with things that simulate happy feelings. I don't even think you understand what's wrong with you; I think you've blocked out so much trauma, you have no idea how to cope with the slightest downturn of events. You seem to go through the emotions you think are appropriate to a given situation without really feeling anything. You tell yourself you're happy but things that should truly bring you happiness don't seem to be of much interest to you. You love to hang out with me and the boys when you can takes us out to lunch or take us shopping but you don't have any interest in reading to Phoenix or playing with him.
You incriminate yourself with your words and your actions and you don't even see it. I didn't see it, at first. It took something as tragic as what happened to my baby for me to see how deep your flaws run and how incapable you are of seeing them; you fear if you see them, they'll break you apart. It took that and five years of wondering "What happened?". I have to have answers to give this child when he has questions to ask and I have to be able to tell myself that I did everything I could to keep him safe.
I've given you all the time I've had on this Earth; I gave you five years with that boy and looking back, I don't think you deserved that. I need a break. I need time to think about my perspective. I need to clear my head and catch my breath. I left because I needed to get away. This is time for me. It's time for me to build my family. It's sad that you have to assume this is it & I will never speak to you again. It shows that you can't think about me, what I need. You only think about how much this is damaging you. I just need time. You need to do some thinking too and you know that. What do you want from me? I've said everything I have to say and I can't stomach the chit-chat anymore. It kills me. When you call me & send me text messages, I freak out.
I don't answer because I know it will start a conversation.
I do not want to converse with you right now.
You can't understand the anxiety this causes in me. The conflict I feel when you say you don't understand, when you leave angry voice mails or say "One last time..." when we both know it won't be and I know you understand perfectly well what I'm asking for. I love you but you're tearing apart my world and you don't realize it. Please stop thinking about yourself and think about what I said before I sent you home after Christmas. I need time, I need answers and I need a mother who can be accountable, responsible, mature and objective. I need a grandmother for my boys who loves being a grandma and wants to spend time with her grandkids.
I don't need a sixty-two year old friend.