Saturday, September 5, 2009

Mommy Dearest...

After 25 years of life, I've come to the realization my mother is fuckin nuts. Not just like normal moms but totally, completely delusional & probably a bit unstable. I've tried to exert & explain my desire for independance for almost 5 years now & at every turn, I get guilt thrown in my face or that look you get when someone just doesn't understand. I explain I don't want her money so she buys presents instead of offering money or goes behind my back to pay my bills. I explain I don't need or want to talk to her every single day, multiple times & she "reduces" her calls to text messages or calls with the guise of checkin on Phoenix.

It came to a head last Sunday when I finally just had it out with her. I don't like to fight with her, there's really no point. She just gets defensive & anything I say goes in the garbage can. I couldn't help it this time; all her childishness, the ease with which she tells me to "fuck off", the fact that almost everyone else in her life is using her, it was just too much. It instantly turned into a screaming match. I was good thouh & didn't say mean or hurtful things b/c I was angry. I stuck to my points; I'm an adult, I have a family of my own, I don't need her to be as involved as she'd like to be, etc. She let a week o by without sayin a word to me about any of it. Then today, I get a text saying, she's sick, wanted to come over but just wants to talk to Phoenix. I feel like she uses him like a fuckin pawn! He's her excuse for calling, textin, coming by...but she doesn't actually do anything with him when she's here. She gets as annoyed/irritated with him after a few minutes or hours as I do after days of being with him. Oh, and she's better with him than I am, accordin to her.

She seriously doesn't understand any of the issues I have with her. It's all, "when you're ready to talk, let me know..." I'VE BEEN TALKING!! I'M THE ONLY ONE TALKIN!!! I NEED YOU TO BE READY TO LISTEN & HEAR WHAT I'M SAYIN!!! I feel like I've talked myself retared. I can only say the same hings so many different ways, in the hopes she'll eventually understand but she never does. It's seriously painful for me. I'm so fucking depressed & pissed off I don't know what to do anymore besides completely ignore her & forget she exists. Trying to communicate with her on anything deep is like digging through a brick wall with a plastic spoon; I'm not gonna get anywhere & I could waste my life doing it.

I feel completely & utterly alone in this. I get told what to say to her by Jay & no sort of understanding or support from him whatsoever. I shouldn't even be bloging about it, i should be talkin to her about it...What good does that do?? It leaves me broken, frustrated, cryin in pain & wishing she were dead & I was dealin with my dad instead. At least blogging gives me some sort of release since i can put my feelings into somethin quasi-physical. All of it is capped off by the raging hormones blazing through my pregnant body & mind. Like I need the added stress in this condition; one more thing to beat myself up over, one more subject to leave festerin in my brain like a rotting wound. or the first time in days, weeks, I'm left suckin my thumb & twirling my hair as a self comfort, a way to stave off the anxiety seeping through me. Even the sleep-disturbin anxiety attacks I've been plagued wih haven't driven me to that point.

Leave it to Mom though...The sayin 'those you love most will hurt you the deepest' runs too fuckin true for my taste.


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