Monday, January 7, 2013

Starting Fresh

We made it to another new year.

I meant to write a resolution post. I meant to write about our New Year. I meant to write about highlights from 2012 and upcoming awesomeness in 2013. 

I meant to but I did not. 

Life has been happening here and I haven't been able to sit down and sort out my thoughts. I'm just kind of going through the motions right now. Doing what I know I need to do and hoping no one notices the stuff I'm neglecting. I'm tired; exhausted, really. I'm fighting depression and an ever-present anger that threatens to eat me alive. 

Anger and I don't get along. We have some serious issues. I've done stupid, stupid things because of anger; dangerous things that could have, should have, killed me. Anger has taken me down some dark roads and I let it turn me into a horrible, awful, miserable person. I do not like anger and I've tried so very hard these last five or six years to get it reined in and under control. 

Depression is more fleeting for me these days; I have more control over that aspect of my mentality but with the anger, it comes sneaking in. 

I don't want to rant, though, and there is no point in talking about things that can't be resolved and definitely no point in being vague as shit, which I feel obligated to be in this instance. So I'm left with a choice (it always comes down to choices, doesn't it??): fester or focus on the good. 

I chose to focus on the good. 

This year is going to be EPIC. We've a got a baby coming; the third and final addition to this awesome little family. Jay has just started his third year as a business owner. Paxton is working hard on potty training and speech and will start preschool in the fall, if all goes as planned. Phoenix has been doing phenomenal in first grade and has made leaps and bounds in speech and language. We're still trying to get the evaluation for CAPD and hopefully we'll get that done in this next semester then he'll have another year of summer school before starting SECOND GRADE.

I am going to dedicate more time to my blog, post more regularly and get a little deeper with you guys. I've made a promise to myself to continue on the journey to being a better mom. I still need to work on patience, letting them make mistakes and living in the moment. My anxiety still gets the best of me in some situations and when it does, it zaps all the fun out of whatever we are doing. That's not fair; to me, Jay or the kids. "Letting go" will be a big goal for this year, in many different ways. 

Letting go of the anger, the negativity; letting go of expectations and most especially, fears. This is a time for new beginnings and I don't want to taint what is to be with resentment for what has come to pass.

It will be hard; anger is not easily let go of.

It has its claws dug in deep and it wants to take me back to that awful, miserable place I was once in but I won't let it. I don't want to be that person any more, ever again. I will fight. I will conquer.

I will be happy.

I will welcome this new year with open arms. I will accept the chance to start fresh and make new beginnings. I will conquer some more of my demons. I might stumble and fall along the way; as long as I get back up and keep on going, I will win. 

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