Good-bye to another year...of school!

As I begin this post, I realize how many others I have started and never finished in the last few months.

This one will be different...

I really can't believe it's already here. Summer Vacation.

School is out, again, for another summer break. Another grade is completed and this time, it was a year full of good things. Both the boys had amazing years, made friends and met goals. I was thoroughly impressed with progress reports and IEP meetings but never found the time to shout from the hilltops, like I would have not-so-long ago.

I'll start with Phoenix.

At the beginning of the year, we were still about a year behind in some areas, with many of our goals from the previous year still "In Progress". When I met with his teacher for his IEP meeting, a wave of change had rolled through.

We had met goals and were making new ones.
Speech had improved, greatly.
Concepts were sinking in and being understood.
He was finding traction and gaining speed.

It felt good to hear that after such a long struggle, we were finally in a good place. We were finally getting him to where he needs to be for his age. Last week when I got his final progress report, I cried.

Goal after goal read "Met Standards" and while we may still be a year behind in a few places, quite a few of the standards met this year were second grade standards. SECOND GRADE STANDARDS.

It blows my mind how unphased he is, how persistent and determined he is. He gets discouraged, yes. His confidence is still less than I would like. He still struggles a lot in everyday life but we are getting somewhere. For that, I am beyond thankful & grateful.

I am in awe of this little being I have helped to create and mold. He has had so many challenges; even though they seem small, they have had a big impact on him and they still would be if nothing had been done to help him find his way. Karate has helped him blossom more and come out of his shell, almost as if he's becoming more comfortable in his own skin; almost as if he's beginning to learn to love himself.

It's incredible and wonderful and awesome.

Paxton, on the other hand, has never stopped blowing my mind.

I was so worried about him, convinced he was going to have the same problems Phoenix did. I got him evaluated and did speech therapy at Sac State for a semester, went to the school district and got him an IEP, got him into preschool with his IEP. He had pull-out speech services on campus twice a week and I thought about another semester at Sac State, then the baby cried and I was thrusted back to reality with the conclusion that maybe I wasn't capable of doing another semester at Sac State.

At this point, he's already doing better than Phoenix was at the same age and is flying through things that tripped Phoenix up like basic concepts, letter recognition and sounds, so I really don't feel all that guilty. Paxton also doesn't have the inner ear problem Phoenix does, so that has to help too (with my Mom-guilt and his progress in speech).

In just this first year of preschool he's made phenomenal progress and when I say my mind is blown, I'm not exaggerating. At the beginning of this year, he knew a few letters; like the letters to his name. When I went to his parent/teacher meeting in May, his teacher confided that he can identify all 26 letters, upper and lower case, and the sounds they make, that he can spell and, this blew her mind too, that he can read.

Oh yes. He can read.

He still has speech issues, to be clear. He jumbles words together when he's trying to speak in sentences (cluster reduction) or leaves the last sound of words off (final consonant deletion) but these are normal, common processing errors for kids learning to speak and he's not that far behind. Most speech processing errors correct themselves by age 4 and Paxton's fifth birthday is just a few months away so I'm fairly confident these processes will resolve themselves if we just keep doing speech therapy at school and working on speech at home.

It gives me hope that Korben might, possibly, not have any speech issues at all but that's a bridge I'll cross when I come to it. For now, I'm going to take the progress that's been made, the goals that have been met, the leaps and bounds that have been taken and enjoy them for what the are: signs that Jay & I are doing what we need to do for our boys, signs that our boys are healthy and happy and learning and growing and thriving. I'm going to sit back and look at my boys and be proud. Of them, for getting to where they are, and of myself, for helping to get them there.

Seeing them succeed is the greatest proof that I am not a complete and utter failure and that's something I'm clinging to desperately right now.

I need a vacation from summer vacation

Today is July 16th. Phoenix has ten days of summer school left. First grade starts in four weeks. Paxton should be starting Head Start. I've been overwhelmed with my own emotional garbage and honestly, not a lot has been happening that I'd consider blog-worthy.

We've done a LOT of swimming; Phoenix has finally decided he's not scared to jump in & even though he still uses a floaty, his swimming is getting better & better. Paxton has stepped off the stairs with no lifejacket twice now but hasn't managed to drowned himself yet. We've managed to avoid camping so far, for which I am incredibly grateful. I've been attempting to get Paxton potty-trained, which he has staunchly refused to do. Yesterday, he managed to go without a diaper for a trip to the bank & the store but promptly pissed all over himself and the floor when we got home. At least it wasn't in his car seat.

I started reading Parenting with Love & Logic and I have to admit, I didn't think it was going to be as preachy as it is. I understand that religious people enjoy connecting passages from the Bible to real life but those of us who choose not to follow an organized religion realize that you don't need religion to be a good parent or person and I find the implication that religion is a key element to being a good parent completely insulting. That being said, I have been able to apply what I've read, with positive results, so I'm sticking with it and just skipping over anything that mentions church or scripture or God.

One of the biggest things I've taken away from the book is letting the kids make their own mistakes & giving them responsibilities, NOW. The boys love helping me, even it's a little frustrating for me and they're learning how to take care of themselves before they actually have to take care of themselves. Since I take them with me when I grocery shop, I'm showing them how to shop smart, how to put meals together & how to pick foods that are good for you. Phoenix has started helping me make dinner while Paxton helps me with laundry, putting clothes in the washer or dryer. I've stopped keeping their room clean. Instead, I wait for Phoenix to complain about how messy it is then explain to him what I would do to clean it. I supervise, offer words of advice and encouragement; I empathize when Phoenix feels overwhelmed but I'm trying hard NOT to do for them what they can do for themselves.

This has GOT to be the hardest thing about parenting. It's so easy to do everything for them. It makes life easier for all of us but it's not teaching them a thing about responsibility.

I struggle with being a SAHM some days and it's not just worrying about the kids. It's not just about the kids being happy & healthy; Jay & I are still a couple and we need to be happy too. With ourselves and each other. That can be a serious balancing act and sometimes (a lot of times), it's overwhelming. We don't feel like equals. I'm jealous of the time he gets to spend out of the house. He's jealous of the time I get to spend with the kids. He doesn't want to go to the store or do dishes when he gets home & I can't blame him. I get completely lazy on the weekends because all of us are home & it's twice as hard to keep the place clean. I know this pisses him off. We fight about bills, money, the kids, which is totally normal but leaves me feeling sort of lost.

I don't expect any part of my life to be perfect or even easy. All I want is a sense of understanding.

And neighbors who have a sense of respect for others. That would be super nice. I mean, I love rude people because they give me an outlet for my rage but I can't handle living right next door to someone who has absolutely NO understanding of how to live in close proximity to other human beings. I'll admit, this is my only experience living in something other than a single family home & I knew there were going to be some issues with noise, being in between two other units but when you wake me up at 2 o'clock in the morning, we're going to have words -- serious words -- so just knock it the fuck off. Stop trying to steal our cat. Don't feed him or let him in your house. Stop smoking meth & blasting your music at all hours of the night. Stop running out to your car for some imaginary object every time you hear Jay's truck pull into the lot. DO NOT come out of your house without a bra on. JUST STOP.

It's enough to make me fantasize about running away for a night or two. No kids. No neighbors. Just me & Jay -- and a hotel room. A night or two for us to pretend it's just us; a young couple, out enjoying each other's company, sharing their lives with each other. A night or two to reconnect & remember why we're still together, to remember how much we love each other. A little bit of time to actually love each other, to be really blunt.