Tuesday, January 7, 2014

When life gets in the way...

2014 is here.

I wasn't ready for another new year but it's here anyways. When I look back at 2013, there's so much that happened that I didn't share and it makes me sad. Last year (so weird to say that) was hard for me. Right now is still hard for me but I'm getting through.

Jay & I have struggled. Like, really, really  struggled. I've had a difficult time adjusting to life with a new baby and two older kids. Phoenix is doing great in school but is having some emotional issues, most likely because of the new baby. Paxton's probably the doing the best out of all of us, funny as that is.

My mental health has taken a major hit and I think not blogging was a part of that. This isn't just an outlet, it's a source of confidence. It makes me feel good to blog and to get these thoughts out of my head. I love documenting the twists & turns our lives take, even if some of the darkest stuff is next to impossible to write. It's something I need to work on; writing about the bad. This last year was full of it. Instead of letting out my frustrations, I let them fester and now, I'm rotting inside.

No more.

I don't want to rot.

I want to heal and be better.

I know I need to get back at it but it's been a bit of a challenge to get the blog-ball rolling again. My life is different; I have less time, less energy and many more woes & complaints. I'm still me though and this has always been a form of therapy for me. I get a chance to process and ultimately release emotions and thoughts I would otherwise bottle up.

I posted pretty sporadically last year and then just stopped altogether a few weeks before Korben was born. I'm disappointed in myself; this is really about documenting memories & I've let so many slip by in the time I've been gone.

It's a gap I can never fill.

I want to blog again. I love it. I miss it. I need to get back to it.

Now seems as good a time as any. It's a new year, a time for fresh starts and resolutions; I don't make resolutions but I do have the goal to BE A BETTER BLOGGER.

Even if it's just an hour or two a week, a recap of what's happened, I need to do it. There's no shortage of topics to write about; there is always something going on over here. When things get crazy-busy, it's even more important to find the time. These kids are growing up too fast; you can't blink without missing something. In the last 20 weeks, Korben has changed drastically and none of it is here. Such a short time, yet so much has happened.

I also need to lean on this more, personally. When things get bad, I shut down and retreat. It's my defense mechanism, I guess. The problem is: it doesn't work. I need to open up and allow myself to process those feelings the same way I do everything else. I need to stop fearing judgement.

I need to be more honest.

Taking care of the two older boys and the baby has been way harder than I'd anticipated. Way harder. It's not them; it's the baby. I forgot just how much energy/time/attention a baby takes and the reality I'd envisioned has been replaced by the Actual Reality. I'd pictured things much the way they'd been when Phoenix and Paxton were born. Jay & I were both active in parenting, sharing baby duties like early mornings, night feedings and diaper changes. I'll admit, it wasn't always an agreement but we'd worked out a system of Your Turn/My Turn that worked fairly well. With Phoenix anyways.

When we had Paxton, I planned on breastfeeding but we were also planning the move to California. After a few weeks of being the only food source, I was overwhelmed. I needed to be able to hand Paxton off to Jay the way I had Phoenix. Plus, with the move coming up, I needed to be able to feed him on the go. So we switched to formula. It made things easier; we were more of a partnership again. When Jay started working with his step-dad, I started taking on more responsibilities around the house, as well as the kids.

When he took over the business, I was officially a stay-at-home mom.

It took awhile to find the balance again; it was my job to take care of house, home and children; he would go to work and earn the money we needed to survive. He was still Dad; still played with the kids, just didn't want to do anything chore-like. Understandable. Frustrating at times but understandable. We fought about it & still do but I really do love being at home, most of the time, and it truly is a privilege so I put on my big girl panties and buckled down. I'm not perfect. I still let dishes pile up. We run out of clean underwear every now & then and sometimes, our bathroom looks more like a filthy barber's shop than a bathroom but I'm owning it. 

Maybe my "balance" was more of a "see-saw" but it was working. I thought we'd be okay, adding a new baby but things weren't as easy as I'd thought. Jay's exhausted every day from work. I'm exhausted from the kids. I want a break. He wants a break. We both feel overwhelmed and underappreciated. It's a bad situation. This time, I feel like I'm on my own and there's this gap opening up between us.

I'm tired of fighting. Tired of the anxiety. I want peace. I want calm. I want my partner back. I want my family whole again.

I have hope this is just another rough patch. That we will weather this storm like the ones before; that we will come out on the other side, stronger and wiser. We're all still adjusting to life as a family of five. A lot has changed for all of us; it's going to take more than a four months to get back to a state of normalcy. Things are slowly getting easier and getting the kids back in school helps to get all of us back on routine. I've got my fingers crossed the worst is behind us.

I'm ready to come up out of this hole.

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