This weekend is bittersweet for me. While I absolutely love celebrating Jay's induction into the Wonderful World of Fatherhood, I also feel devastated by the loss of my own father. For five of the last seven years, it's been a balancing act for me; to feel the pain of his absence and still make it a special day all about Dad. Today, Jay took Phoenix for his first fishing trip; it's something Dad and I used to do when I was a kid AND Phoenix has become obsessed with the idea. Maybe it's because we cross the American River almost every day and usually see fishermen out in their boats or maybe a passion for fishing can be passed down like blue eyes or blonde hair, I don't know, but I do think it would make Dad smile.
As the boys get older, I miss my dad more. I get emotional because of all that he's missing out on and I still feel an intense amount of guilt about the state of our relationship at the time of his death. Seeing my friends and family so happy to be celebrating with their fathers makes me envious that mine was taken from me so early in my life. I would never wish what I've experienced on anyone; I just wish it hadn't happened to me either.
I miss you so much all the time, Dad, but days like today come around and I fall apart. My only comfort is knowing you're still watching over me and seeing you in my boys, like you've left me a little piece of yourself in them. If you could only see them...
To all fathers out there: Happy Father's Day. The role you play in your child's life will be the most important thing you ever do. The memories you leave them with will be the best legacy you can give them. The lessons you teach them will be the foundation they build the rest of their lives on; make it a strong one. Love them as much as they adore you. Hold them tight & let them fly; and they will make your heart soar.