Saturday, May 28, 2011

Lost in the Wild

I don't know if it's just me but occasionally, it feels like I'm stuck in this loop, like an endless hurdle race; no one seems to notice it's been going on FOREVER; they just keep cheering from the stands. The other runners don't even realize this has to be like, the thousandth lap. I'm tired, panting, sweaty; my throat's parched, my knees are turning to Jell-o but I can't stop running. I watch the finish line recede farther and farther into the distance and my resolve that "Yes, I can do this" fades. The hurdles start stacking up and all positivity fails.

That's how I feel right now. I usually try to avoid writing about my "bad" days because I believe the energy you put out there is the energy you'll get back and who wants to perpetuate negativity? Not this girl. I realize, though, that this is almost like lying by omission; it's only telling part of my story. I've battled depression and extreme anxiety my entire life, which is why I choose to live life as drama-free, as positively as possible. I easily feel overwhelmed and stress usually leads to panic which leads to a total emotional shut down. These are NOT FUN. Especially when you're a mom and you're attempting to teach your children how to be functional and in-touch with one's emotional self.

I'm almost too in touch with my emotional self; sometimes it's hard to separate me from my emotions. I understand where my emotions, stress and anxiety come from, what manifests them and usually, how to deal with them but sometimes, there's absolutely nothing I can do. Hence my attempts to keep a positive attitude towards the world and all that it has in it. When confronted with a situation, looking for the positives helps me avoid focusing solely on the negatives. It doesn't always work though; sometimes there just aren't any positives.

What do you do when the entire world feels like it's crushing down on your shoulders? How do you deal with a stress so immense, it seems like an emotional Black Hole, an endless chasm of darkness? Me, I try to avoid it altogether; I turn my back but I can still feel it. Pulling me backwards, pulling me down into Its depths...I feel so far away from everything I know, all the things I find comforting. I feel lost and alone, surrounded by people who don't see me, don't care about me. I feel forgotten.

I see my friends living their lives in perfect, sublime happiness and I am truly delighted for them. I want them to flourish, succeed and find joy. I see the happy status updates on Facebook; weddings, new babies, new houses...all I have is nothing I want to share. Part of me doesn't want to show how hard we are struggling; this part tells me 'No one wants to hear about your sob story. Everyone has problems; what makes yours so special??' This part of me ruthlessly crushes the part of me that wants to reach out for help. I feel defeated, by myself. I guess you really can be your own worst enemy...

I know this will all pass, eventually; it always has before. I find myself talking to my dad more than usual, looking to him for guidance and counsel. The open air is never as comforting as his voice would be...I steal extra hugs from Phoenix and snuggle a little longer with Paxton; I hug Jay a little harder and tell myself, 'The Sun will shine, the Flowers will bloom and All will be right again. The Sun will shine, the Flowers will bloom and All will be right again.' 


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