Good-bye to another year...of school!

As I begin this post, I realize how many others I have started and never finished in the last few months.

This one will be different...

I really can't believe it's already here. Summer Vacation.

School is out, again, for another summer break. Another grade is completed and this time, it was a year full of good things. Both the boys had amazing years, made friends and met goals. I was thoroughly impressed with progress reports and IEP meetings but never found the time to shout from the hilltops, like I would have not-so-long ago.

I'll start with Phoenix.

At the beginning of the year, we were still about a year behind in some areas, with many of our goals from the previous year still "In Progress". When I met with his teacher for his IEP meeting, a wave of change had rolled through.

We had met goals and were making new ones.
Speech had improved, greatly.
Concepts were sinking in and being understood.
He was finding traction and gaining speed.

It felt good to hear that after such a long struggle, we were finally in a good place. We were finally getting him to where he needs to be for his age. Last week when I got his final progress report, I cried.

Goal after goal read "Met Standards" and while we may still be a year behind in a few places, quite a few of the standards met this year were second grade standards. SECOND GRADE STANDARDS.

It blows my mind how unphased he is, how persistent and determined he is. He gets discouraged, yes. His confidence is still less than I would like. He still struggles a lot in everyday life but we are getting somewhere. For that, I am beyond thankful & grateful.

I am in awe of this little being I have helped to create and mold. He has had so many challenges; even though they seem small, they have had a big impact on him and they still would be if nothing had been done to help him find his way. Karate has helped him blossom more and come out of his shell, almost as if he's becoming more comfortable in his own skin; almost as if he's beginning to learn to love himself.

It's incredible and wonderful and awesome.

Paxton, on the other hand, has never stopped blowing my mind.

I was so worried about him, convinced he was going to have the same problems Phoenix did. I got him evaluated and did speech therapy at Sac State for a semester, went to the school district and got him an IEP, got him into preschool with his IEP. He had pull-out speech services on campus twice a week and I thought about another semester at Sac State, then the baby cried and I was thrusted back to reality with the conclusion that maybe I wasn't capable of doing another semester at Sac State.

At this point, he's already doing better than Phoenix was at the same age and is flying through things that tripped Phoenix up like basic concepts, letter recognition and sounds, so I really don't feel all that guilty. Paxton also doesn't have the inner ear problem Phoenix does, so that has to help too (with my Mom-guilt and his progress in speech).

In just this first year of preschool he's made phenomenal progress and when I say my mind is blown, I'm not exaggerating. At the beginning of this year, he knew a few letters; like the letters to his name. When I went to his parent/teacher meeting in May, his teacher confided that he can identify all 26 letters, upper and lower case, and the sounds they make, that he can spell and, this blew her mind too, that he can read.

Oh yes. He can read.

He still has speech issues, to be clear. He jumbles words together when he's trying to speak in sentences (cluster reduction) or leaves the last sound of words off (final consonant deletion) but these are normal, common processing errors for kids learning to speak and he's not that far behind. Most speech processing errors correct themselves by age 4 and Paxton's fifth birthday is just a few months away so I'm fairly confident these processes will resolve themselves if we just keep doing speech therapy at school and working on speech at home.

It gives me hope that Korben might, possibly, not have any speech issues at all but that's a bridge I'll cross when I come to it. For now, I'm going to take the progress that's been made, the goals that have been met, the leaps and bounds that have been taken and enjoy them for what the are: signs that Jay & I are doing what we need to do for our boys, signs that our boys are healthy and happy and learning and growing and thriving. I'm going to sit back and look at my boys and be proud. Of them, for getting to where they are, and of myself, for helping to get them there.

Seeing them succeed is the greatest proof that I am not a complete and utter failure and that's something I'm clinging to desperately right now.

A Place for Phoenix

At the beginning of March, I quickly updated you guys with news that I was heading to Phoenix's annual Individualized Education Plan (better known as an IEP) and got the chance to say all went well but instead of sitting down to do a full-on report, I got home and left with Jay to go to work. His grandma watched the kids til his mom got off and then she took over but we were gone in Rio Linda for hours.

Well, I'm finally here to report that Phoenix is doing excellent in his current placement and the plan is to keep him in the same classroom next year, which is great. His classroom is 1st-3rd grade so he will have some friends sticking around for another year and he'll get to make new friends too. His teacher was very happy to report on the progress he has made and I loved hearing about it. IEP meetings can be dreadful and are rarely pleasant so when they are pleasant, you bask in it.

I realize I'm kind of just jumping in here; some of you might not be familiar with Phoenix's story or the journey he's had but bear with me. If you want to read about what's lead us here, you can read this & this.

To give a little background: Last year, after a half-year in a preschool class for kids with speech issues, Phoenix was placed in a general education classroom for Kindergarten.

It did not go well.

He fell to the bottom of the class academically and had trouble socially & behaviorally. He started acting out in class and at home but with the help of his SLP at the time and a LOT of persistence on my part, we got him placed into a Communicatively-Handicapped class for first grade.

Since he's been in this new classroom, he has soared and excelled in amazing ways. His speech and comprehension have improved significantly and he is approaching grade level or is at grade level in a lot of areas where he was 2-3 years behind,  just last year. I'm sure another semester of speech therapy at Sac State didn't hurt either but I'm sure having him in a classroom where all the students have speech issues and the curriculum is based on speech and language development has been the driving force behind his recent success.

With his teacher's use of interventions like SIPPS (Systematic Instruction in Phoneme Awarenss and Phonics and Sight Words), Expanding Expression Tools (EET) and a few others, Phoenix has mastered ALL the letter sounds and his test average for sight words is 89% and in a first trimester reading test, he read 26 words a minute with 100% accuracy. He is learning how to arc a story (create a beginning, middle and end); he correctly labels the elements of the arc and given pictures, he can sequence the events of the story in the proper order. His vocabulary is expanding and he's starting to use more verbs like "proud", instead of "happy".

At the beginning of the year, Phoenix couldn't identify all the consonants or the sounds of the letters and could only read six sight words; now, at the end of the second trimester, he can read 66 out of 75 high frequency words automatically. He's performing at the first grade level in Language Arts, at a slower pace, and the same goes for math, where he's averaging test scores of 95%. He can tell time to the nearest hour and half hour and will independently count to 109; when given a a blank hundreds chart, he writes and counts to 200. He has learned how to capitalize and independently writes three consecutive sentences. He uses temporary spelling, is starting to use phonetic spelling and the spelling errors he makes imitate his speech issues.

He still has a long way to go. He continues to make errors in word order (syntax), suffixes/word endings (morphology) and grammar (word choice) and I think this is part of the auditory processing issues. It's hard for him to retain, organize and recall information he's received verbally and well, speech has a LOT to do with verbal information. I know he hears how the rest of us form sentences and organize our thoughts, he's just not capable of doing that. Yet.

I know it's coming. He's making progress much faster now than he has in the last few years, which is wonderful. My hope was to be able to integrate him into a Gen. Ed. class for 4th grade and if everything continues the way it is, that should totally be possible.

It feels so good to know he is finally on his way; to be able to see him blossoming and growing, instead of struggling and withdrawn. He is such an amazing kid and it is so awesome to see his confidence in himself grow as he overcomes the challenges that have held him back for so long now. For me, it is beyond gratifying.

His journey isn't over yet but we are well on our way. Every day is a step in the right direction and with each step, he is making more progress and building more self-confidence. He has found a place that fits him, a place where he can grow at his own speed; where he is nurtured and challenged at the same time, by people who truly care for him & want him to succeed. He's found a place where he has stability, friends and is accepted for who he is and I'm not sure which one of us is happier.

A baby no more

Today, my baby turns three. It's not really a milestone birthday. Not like the first or Sweet 16 but for me, this one is still pretty big.

Three is that age when you see the personality come out, the independence. Three is when you really "meet" your child, in a sense that they are now, very definitely, their own people. Some can still be called toddlers.

Paxton cannot. 

He is anything but "toddling" at this point in his very young, play-filled life. He is running, jumping, climbing. He is talking. Not as well as most of his peers but better than his brother was at this age and better than he was a few months ago. He's not even toddler size! Standing up to Phoenix's shoulder and wearing a size 4T, he looks closer to four or five than just-barely-three. 

December 30, 2009 -- From Baby...

It's hard for me to remember him as a baby; he's just grown so fast! He was rolling over before we moved from Oregon and was walking by nine months. He's been babbling and fighting with Phoenix for months now and sometimes, I can't believe he's still only three. 

Having Paxton has changed all of our lives, in so many different ways. He has helped teach me patience and simply won't tolerate being yelled at.

He just shuts down.

Arms crossed, head bowed, he'll glare at me from under his eyelashes.

He is all emotion and reaction. Treat him calmly and with respect and you have the most wonderful kid in the world.Yell at him to do what you want and you will have the world's biggest fight on your hands and YOU WILL LOSE. Trust me on this one.

He's reminded me that part of my job as a parent is to give these boys confidence. Confidence in themselves and confidence that I will always, always, be there for them, no matter what. If I'm yelling about spilled milk or crushed-up cereal on the floor, they probably aren't going to want to see how I react to them breaking a neighbors' window or crashing a car.

I am teaching them by example more than I am with words and what I do is what they will remember. I see a  self-assured, bright, intelligent little boy when I look at Paxton and I have the greatest hopes for him, and Phoenix too. He is always so happy, smiling and playing, laughing at anything and everything Phoenix does or says. He wants nothing more than to be doing whatever Big Brother is doing, much to Phoenix's displeasure.

We left Portland just fifteen weeks after he was born and he will never remember anything about being there. He is essentially a California kid, even if he was born in Oregon.

This is all he's ever really known. It makes me sad because in some ways, it's a lot like what Phoenix experienced in Portland: crazy times with Mom and Dad trying to figure out how to make life happen. There has been an incredible amount of fun though, too. I mean, how many kids can grow up and say they used to wrangle chickens in their Huggies??


Paxton can.

He's explored Old Folsom with us and gone to Sly Park to see snow for the first time. He's learned to crawl, walk and run here in California. We've gone swimming in Folsom Lake and camping God-only-knows-where and again at Mosquito Lake (never camp anywhere named "Mosquito-anything"). His first Christmas was here, at our house in Orangevale.

He's started speech therapy at CSUS and will start school this year too. He's almost got this potty training thing down, announcing 'I pee! I PEE!' when he needs to go or has already gone and I can see how proud of himself he is when he bounces up and throws a fist in the air with an "I DID IT!". In three short years, he's gone from a helpless, totally dependent ball of goo and poop to a smart, independent, strong-willed little boy.

He is no longer a baby. He is on his way to childhood. As hard as it is to watch him grow up, as hard as it is to lose my "baby", I am so proud of the person he is becoming. I can see in him the changes I have made in myself and how I parent. I can almost see the boy he is becoming; almost but not quite.

...to Boy in 36 months flat ♥

He was born during a freak snow storm in Portland and even with a name that means "peaceful village", this kid is a tempest when he wants to be. He is strong; he is smart; he is full of energy and curiosity  He wants to explore the world and conquer it; and today, he turns three.

I love you so much, little man. You have changed me in untold ways and I am forever in your debt. ♥

The small things

Tonight is Open House at Phoenix's school. That one night a year when parents, grandparents and any relative in between cluster into the classrooms of kids around the country to 'oooh' and 'ahhh' at all the beautiful wonders they've created during the school year. I remember my Open House days and it seems so odd that I'm the parent now. He's growing up so fast. TOO fast. He's not a baby any more and I can't think of him as a "child" either. He is quickly becoming a young man.

I can't wait to see what he's accomplished this year; it's been such a challenging one. I know he's not going to be on a level with his peers but I'm hoping he's closer to closing the gap. I am so proud of him and all he has done, everything he is doing.

Add that enormous sense of pride to the inspiring words from DeBie Hive about the gift of gratitude & "What the hell are you so gotdamned happy about??" from I Want a Dumpster Baby and all the negative bullshit I'm holding on to seems utterly ridiculous. Which it is. Shit happens. No one is exempt from it. We all suffer from the occasional Black Cloud of Despair; the trouble is in letting it linger when you should be chasing it away.

I know whatever goes wrong in my life, no matter how bad shit gets, as long as I have these two miraculous little beings, nothing will ever be too much. I will never give up. In these two miniatures of myself & Jay I can find all the joy, the happiness and pride I need to make life liveable. I'm missing what I should be relishing. They teach me to enjoy the small things, to find happiness in them. They help me see these small things have a great impact.

Quiet mornings cuddling on the couch with Paxton

Putting puzzles together with Phoenix

Quality time with Jay in the evenings

Walks to the park

Hugs & kisses

Bath time

THESE are the things I find joy in. These are little things that have a great impact on me, on the boys, on all of us. When I'm in a negative state of mind, it effects all of these things. Suddenly, these little things aren't so awesome or joyous. They become annoying, bothersome & distracting. Almost like the negativity knows it's about to get smothered in sappy, hippy-dippy positive energy & die, it makes an all-or-nothing attempt to dominate my psyche. Well, I've got news for you, Negativity.

I DON'T LIKE YOU.


I'M TIRED OF YOU. 


I'M SICK OF YOUR DEMANDS & THE DRAIN YOU PUT ON MY EMOTIONS.


I won't ignore you entirely (it's just not possible) but I will not give into you either. I have the power. I have the control. I choose to be happy with what I have because I have a lot to be happy for. I have my health, my family. I have friends who care about me & support me. I will remember to look for the small things. I will remember that feeding my Black Cloud of Despair is dangerous and damaging.

Tonight, I will wallow in the joy & pride I have for Phoenix. I will remember how lucky I am to have him & what an awesome, amazing, wonderful kid he is. I won't focus on things that make me angry. I will be positive. I will look for the bright side & enjoy the small things in life. I'll remember that bad days are only 24 hours long & that I am always in control of me.

I will remember that I am happy with what I have.

Behind every black cloud is the sun, fighting to break through <3