Finding Our Roots

Last year, my brother Galen wanted some help in finding his birth father so he asked me to submit a DNA sample to Ancestry for analysis. He had already done one and wanted a way to eliminate some of the many, many, matches he had been given. It took me way too long to get my DNA kit sent in & processed but eventually, we had a list of common matches and uncommon matches. It was, and still is, a very long list (we're talking 400+ pages, each with more than forty entries) but narrowing it down by eliminating our shared matches helped immensely.

I don't know if you have ever done research on your family tree but it can get really confusing, really fast and that's when you have solid information to work back from. When you're trying to build a tree without knowing anything about anyone who is in the tree, you're essentially building a puzzle while blindfolded...Luckily, Galen had two matches fairly close to him that weren't shared by me so that's where I started.

Galen had reviewed some the matches he had been given and had reached out to a few of the closest connections but was still having trouble figuring how to put all the information together and how to use it to find his dad. Ancestry's relationship predictor has a habit of calling everyone cousins, even though the degrees of separation could constitute an aunt/uncle relationship; they offer charts with varying degrees of separations to help explain the distance and show possible common ancestors, which helps when you have literally nothing to go one. I started with the two closest connections; a father and a son whom Ancestry predicted to be 2nd & 3rd cousins to Galen. I copied down the tree they belonged to then I checked to see if these two connections shared any other connections with Galen. They did.

That was it. My curiosity was piqued. I dove in head first & wholeheartedly. This was a mystery I was going to solve.

I grabbed a notebook and again started copying down trees, tracing them back until I could find a common ancestor, every common ancestor adding strength to the connection. I wanted to 'practice' my new-found tree building skills some more so I went back to our shared matches and started building a tree of shared matches, gaining confidence in my investigative skills along the way. I contacted a few matches, shared our story and asked questions; I copied down more trees, traced back more shared matches, found more common ancestors, contacted more people; I had my mom submit a DNA test and added all three of our profiles to another DNA analysis site called GEDmatch.com.

Turns out, Galen's father wasn't the only mystery I was going to solve.

My mom, our mom, is also adopted.

Born in 1949, she doesn't have any of the information about her parents that Galen had about her. Her adoption wasn't done through an agency; it was more of a black market baby-buying kind of deal. A nurse at the hospital where my mom was born knew my adopted grandparents, knew they wanted to have a family but couldn't have their our children and she knew my mother was going to be put up for adoption so she tipped my grandparents off to my mom. They hired a lawyer, drew up adoption papers and walked out with my mom. My mom has never requested her original, pre-adoption, birth certificate so her parentage has remained a total mystery.

Until this hunt began...

One thing about DNA: it might be confusing and difficult to understand but IT DOES NOT LIE. If you share DNA with someone, guess what, you are related. So now with shared matches for all three of us & our varying degrees of connection to them, we had a pretty clear picture of who was who, how we were related and a list of 'suspects'. Excluding our connections to each other, the closest connection for each of us, was a cousin; three in total. As it turns out, each cousin belong to a different side of the family: one on each side of my mom's family and one on my brother's father's side. And that father/son connection of Galen's? We determined the father is his great uncle and the son would be his 2nd cousin, which was a prediction Ancestry did give as a possible relationship. I talked with cousins on both of my mom's sides and eventually found my mom's uncle on her mother's side; I exchanged numerous emails, confirmed secret pregnancies and adoptions, revealed the existence of unknown children & siblings and got two more DNA samples submitted (results are still pending!)

Confident I was now on target, I searched and scoured for every bit & scrap of information I could find on the man I believed was Galen's father and took it to him. I told him I wasn't positive but I had a few leads for him if he wanted to pursue them: three names, children of the man I thought could be his father, and a place of death for him, in Texas. He Googled the names & city and found an address that had two of the names plus three more and a couple Facebook profiles so he took a chance and sent out a message with his phone number. There hadn't been any activity on the profile in a while so he wasn't sure he would hear back. When my phone rang later that same day and his number popped up, I answered right away.

"We found him."

He'd gotten a call back, just hours later, from his father's ex wife. She had met his father in Vegas, they'd been together 10 years, married for one, had two kids together. His father had also had another child with a third woman, gotten custody of the girl then taken ill and passed in 2011. The kids are now 23, 21, and 16 years old. The youngest two are daughters, living in Texas; the oldest, a son, is living in Missouri, I think. The youngest daughter was adopted by a family who attends the same church as the half sister & her mother so they are all pretty close, it seems. They were very excited to hear from him and are looking forward to building relationships.

I couldn't believe it. I cried of course. I hadn't realized during this process how much of myself I had put into it but I really put my entire heart and being into this project. I had neglected housework and spent literally days at a time on Ancestry, searching through documents, pouring over trees, filled all the blank pages of two different tablets with family trees and connection charts and started filling in pages of a third. It had become a bit of an obsession and while I knew the whole goal was to find the answer, I was still stunned that we actually had it.

I am sure enough to write this post that I have indeed found my mother's birth parents and my brother's father but I am still waiting on the DNA results from what would be one of my mom's half brother and the uncle on her mother's side, both of which will be definitive and leave absolutely no room for doubt. After completing this adventure, I would highly encourage anyone who is adopted and wanting to find birth families to submit a DNA kit to Ancestry for analysis. It could very well change your life.

A lesson for all of us here is this: talk to your family. Share stories and histories with each other; grandparent to grandchild, parent to child, with your nieces and nephews; get to know one another. Time is a very precious commodity and once the source of vital information, oral histories, is gone, all the information is lost. Both of my grandparents have already passed, as has my brother's father. My mother's uncle, her only remaining connection to her mother, is going to be 82 in March.

 We need these wells of knowledge, these depositories of memories long forgotten, to connect us to the past we share so we don't unknowingly repeat the mistakes of our ancestors.


-- If you or someone you know would like help or information about using Ancestry DNA, finding your family or creating a family tree, please contact me --

To my father --

This weekend is bittersweet for me. While I absolutely love celebrating Jay's induction into the Wonderful World of Fatherhood, I also feel devastated by the loss of my own father. For five of the last seven years, it's been a balancing act for me; to feel the pain of his absence and still make it a special day all about Dad. Today, Jay took Phoenix for his first fishing trip; it's something Dad and I used to do when I was a kid AND Phoenix has become obsessed with the idea. Maybe it's because we cross the American River almost every day and usually see fishermen out in their boats or maybe a passion for fishing can be passed down like blue eyes or blonde hair, I don't know, but I do think it would make Dad smile.

As the boys get older, I miss my dad more. I get emotional because of all that he's missing out on and I still feel an intense amount of guilt about the state of our relationship at the time of his death. Seeing my friends and family so happy to be celebrating with their fathers makes me envious that mine was taken from me so early in my life. I would never wish what I've experienced on anyone; I just wish it hadn't happened to me either.

 I miss you so much all the time, Dad, but days like today come around and I fall apart. My only comfort is knowing you're still watching over me and seeing you in my boys, like you've left me a little piece of yourself in them. If you could only see them...

To all fathers out there: Happy Father's Day. The role you play in your child's life will be the most important thing you ever do. The memories you leave them with will be the best legacy you can give them. The lessons you teach them will be the foundation they build the rest of their lives on; make it a strong one. Love them as much as they adore you. Hold them tight & let them fly; and they will make your heart soar.

In Spite of Ourselves

I'm a big fan of old school folk music; I get it from my dad. He was a huge John Prine fan and I've followed in Dad's footsteps.

So color me surprised when Jay introduced me to a John Prine song I hadn't heard (I'm sure there's more than just the one LOL). What was absolutely adorable was that he  loves it as much as I do! 

One of these days, I will have to write down our story; it's definitely one worth reading but for now, I think the movie Knocked Up and this song will offer a little insight <3

Day 26 -- Golden Years Challenge

Day 26 --

Having a big family is something I hadn't experience until Jay and I became a couple. The man has no less then TEN siblings and most of them are married which adds sibling-in-laws. I will admit, it was a little overwhelming at first but I love all of them so much. Having a big family is like being a part of your own small community; you watch out for each other and care for each other, you fight and make up. Being a part of a big family teaches you a ton about how to get along; you're not always going to see things eye-to-eye but having a mutual respect for each other means that's okay.


The family I have through Jay is almost all the family I have. I greatly appreciate them and love them immensely. They have accepted me into their ranks with open arms and make me feel like I've always belonged here. I wish I had a picture of ALL of us but that's near impossible. Instead, I have these:


From left to right - Me, Phoenix, Jay, Darla, Mike, Joel, Thom, Mindy, Sydney, Ron, Dylan and Samantha.


It's from 2008 so we're missing Paxton and Haley. 

This is me and Jay with his sister, Ambyr, her hubby Josh and their three beautiful girls, Bailey, Sidney and Taylor. 

Here's Grandpa Turley, Spencer and Ashley. 

   
And their absolutely adorable kids, Taite and Canyon.


Haven't had the chance to meet Stacy and her family yet or Kendall and his son. We're also missing pictures of Phil and Maddie but I think you get the idea. 


Sometimes it can be hectic, crazy or just plain stressful but I wouldn't change it for anything.


 We are a family. 

Day 3 -- Golden Years Challenge

Day 3 --

Today isn't just the third day of this challenge (or what should be Day 3), it's also Mr. Clean's birthday. With that in mind, here are some of my most treasured memories with him.

This was our first glimpse at Phoenix. It was a crazy, crazy time but seeing his little face, watching his tiny heart beat was the most incredible, awe-inspiring moment. We got a million pictures of him this day; his toes, his fingers, him spread-eagle for the world to see...I thought this one was most identifiable as a baby (and most appropriate)

One of my favorite pictures, ever -- I knew this day he was the only man I could spend my life with. All the drama leading up to this day disappeared and we bonded in unimaginable ways; he'd be there for me through everything.

7 lbs, 14 oz and 22 inches long; 3:51 PM on Dec 4th

Four years later, we have a 4-D image of Paxton (an insanely accurate rendering of what he'd look like). It's one thing to see a flat cross-section of your baby; it's a whole new thing when you're looking at your  baby in 3-D, watching him/her move in real time! 

He measured 13 days bigger than actual "age"; the tech asked if I was sure my due date wasn't Christmas...Thankfully, he waited till after (when it snowed for one freak day).

I should have put up a picture with snow in it but this one wins out for pure awesomeness. We'd only been in the hospital for a total of nine hours when he made his arrival. It was a truly joyful event; his mom & sister just barely made it up from California and we were laughing with our midwife & nurses that they'd better hurry because he was coming now! His sister waited in the waiting room with her new baby girl while his mom watched her fifth grandbaby come into the world.  

8 lb, 5 oz and 20.5 inches long; 6:01 PM Dec 30

Lastly, our first (ahem, only) family portrait. These things are hard with two kids! We were grateful our 'photographer' knew exactly how to get & keep the wee one's attention: a giant duster. Yeah, that thing...

These are definitely treasured memories <3

To My Love...

It's been six years since we started this journey together.

Six long, sometimes-difficult-but-mostly-pleasant, incredibly life-changing years.

Looking back at our time together, I'm somewhat amazed we've made it this far. We've struggled, fought, flourished and grown together; I wouldn't trade my life with you for anything in the world. You truly are my heart and the piece of me I didn't know was missing. You balance me in a way no one else could and you drive me to be the best in everything I do. You have faith in me and give me strength. You share my dreams and my hopes for the future.

When I see you with our children, I know that everything we've been through was worth it. To hear you laugh with them, to see you play with them & watch you teach them is the most amazing thing ever. You are a wonderful, intelligent, incredibly handsome man and I see so much of that in them. I can't imagine having a better partner to make babies with (plus, they're super cute!!).

Our relationship isn't perfect but we know what we have and it works for us. We chose to walk this path together, hand-in-hand, for good and bad, through the bright spots and the dark. Together, we've built a life and a family; an insanely adorable  family.


I'm so thankful for the last six years and I can honestly say, it's just the beginning.




-- I love you always --

Gone but never Forgotten...

February 4th has been a day I've hated, with good reason, for the last seven years of my life. It's the day my father passed away. This year, things are different. Mainly, because I'm different. This year, today wasn't the horrible, depressing, saddness-filled day it used to be.

I had a good day today.

I've gotten to a place in my life where as much as I miss my dad, it doesn't kill me to think about him or my life without him. After all, he's really not gone. I see him every, single day in the faces of my two boys. Thing 1 was concieved the year after he died and I knew long before our 'What-Sex-is-the-Baby?' ultrasound that he was a he. I knew he would be a little peice of my dad coming back to me and he was.

I found comfort in them today and in a letter my dad wrote to me on my thirteenth birthday. He saw then that I was becoming a woman who would be strong enough to face the challenges of the world, kind to those in need and a woman he was proud to release into society. He saw that I would be a good mother and wife and I find so much comfort in this because it answers so many of those 'What If's?' we ask when we lose someone we cherish unexpectedly.

You will always be an important part of my life, Dad. I will always look to you for an example of what to be, what to do. You were a great and wise man and you passed too soon for your time. The knowledge you passed on to me will not go wasted, will not be squandered but will be used to feed the minds of your grandchildren. You taught me so much; about myself, about life and the world. Rest assured knowing I am the strong, capable woman you saw fourteen years ago; I'm just a little more gray (yes, I take after you, in that regard too), a lot wiser and honestly, vastly more optimistic, something I know you'd approve of and it's because of you.

I love you, Old Man.

 <3 now & forever