The Death of a Dream

America's Next Top Model - Cycle 16

America's Next Top Model is holding auditions for the next 'cycle' right down the street from my house.

Today.

I knew about this last week and was torn: do I give it one last shot? Or do I let go of my modeling dreams?

I chose the latter. I'm twenty-seven. I have two kids and a husband-in-the-making. I'm really pretty ordinary, in looks and personality. Let's face it: I'm just not ANTM material. I tried out once before, in Portland. Phoenix was two or three and I'd been modeling for a local designer in her fashion shows. I had a couple photo shoots under my belt and a 3-shot portfolio. I'd even been paid to do an ad campaign for a local mall; I was doing more as a model than I ever thought was possible. I thought I had a chance. Maybe, I had a chance.

ANTM auditions - 2008

I didn't come close but I learned a lot; about modeling and about myself. I told myself I'd definitely, definitely do it again.

Today was my last shot.

Like I said, I'm twenty-seven and if you watch the show, you know that's the cut-off age. I think I'm okay with it, though. I am disappointed I didn't do more to make my dream a reality but the reality of my life isn't one that meshes well with the reality of being a model. I wouldn't give up what I have for anything; not even a dream like that.

Plus, I have other passions; other interests and dreams. I am happy knowing I can chase those down. Knitting could never compete with my life the way attempting to be a model would.  I am happy knowing I did something to pursue my dream, even if I didn't make it come entirely true. And I'm especially happy I can tell the boys, "You can be anything you want to be.", without feeling the guilt of not becoming the 'anything' I wanted to be. I tried and I decided I wanted to be a mom more.

Maybe one day, they'll thank me. And tell me I was beautiful.